


12:18 Tomorrow Morning

by criesmom



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Multi, Pining, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, underage general rebellion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-05-18 21:15:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14860436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/criesmom/pseuds/criesmom
Summary: In Donghyuck's second to last year of high school, his childhood best friend Mark moves back home. After four years apart, their relationship dynamic has changed a lot.Now available inRussian!!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so a few things  
> This fic is HEAVILY based on my group of friends when I was around that age, so this is set in New Zealand. College=high school and Renjun is in the year above the others with Mark bc of cut off dates etc. if there's any terminology you don't understand feel free to leave a comment and I'll be happy to explain !!  
> The poems used at the beginning of every chapter are poems that I wrote when I was 17-18 and are what inspired this whole thing. 12:18 tomorrow morning was a time of day for me that was ... difficult hehe and I wanted to document that so now here we are ! projecting onto others  
> If you want an idea of what Donghyuck's music taste is (tbh this is pretty important to understand his character) I have a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/rinslame/playlist/5Dk8wcKDcxD8sVjpDfAXrw?si=4qzTbcloTyK7lZG3fvhHRw) that I'll add to throughout the course of writing this fic so please check it out !!

I met someone today  
their hair a mess atop their head  
      { but really whose isn’t? _}_  
Their name rolled gracefully from their  
                                                     mouth  
       that takes something;  
               making your own name beautiful.  
Maybe one day ‘they’ will turn to ‘you’.

 

Mark moved back to Auckland in the November before his last year of college. Donghyuck was sitting shirtless under the sun next to the pool in Jeno’s garden, licking his melted ice block from his fingers when Mark rounded the corner, feet crunching on the dry grass. He was smiling wide, clearly excited to see his old friends’ reactions to his arrival.

Jeno immediately leapt up and ran to hug Mark, Jaemin and Renjun following soon after. Donghyuck took a few extra moments to prepare himself before rising from the outdoor recliner. He walked over, waiting till the others had stopped smothering him before he held his ice block out to one side and went in for a hug. Mark stuck a hand out between them awkwardly, making Donghyuck frown as he took it and shook.

“I’m Mark,” Mark said, and beside them Renjun snorted. “Nice to meet you.”

Donghyuck brought his ice block back to his mouth with a smirk, still shaking Mark’s hand as he licked more of it from his fingers. “I’m Donghyuck.”

Mark’s eyes went wide and his face turned red, contrasting against the bleach-blond curls of his hair. “Oh my god, I’m a fucking idiot.”

The other four started howling with laughter as Mark continued to look embarrassed. Donghyuck finally released his hand and pulled him into a hug, Mark awkwardly reaching around to pat his back. The palm of Mark’s hand stuck to the sweat on Donghyuck’s skin in a slightly unpleasant way, but Donghyuck couldn’t find it in him to care.

When they parted, Jeno stepped up and nudged Mark’s shoulder. “How did you _forget_ who Donghyuck is?”

Mark shrugged, dragging a hand across the back of his neck. “You’ve grown up a lot,” he said directly to Donghyuck.

Donghyuck blamed the heat in his face on the sun.

 

Somewhere around one in the morning, Jaemin decided it was a perfect time to get in the pool. Jeno’s parents were (thankfully) out of town, so the five of them slipped into the pool, squeaking a little at how cold it was so early in the morning. Mark, who had been struggling to stay awake with the others due to jetlag, was suddenly wide awake as Donghyuck and Renjun started splashing him mercilessly. He tried to keep his voice quiet as he shrieked, but the neighbour’s dog still started barking at the noise.

When they calmed down, Donghyuck caught sight of Jeno and Jaemin kissing on the steps and rolled his eyes.

It had been a few months since Jeno had turned Donghyuck down the night they got high off Renjun’s brother’s weed in Donghyuck’s paddock on the opposite end of the farm from the house. He had dug his fingernails into his palms so hard the imprints were left in the morning, steeling himself to tell Jeno that he had feelings for him. Jeno had been more than lovely about it, placing a hand on Donghyuck’s knee and furrowing his brows. It did little to stop the spinning of Donghyuck’s head as he struggled to keep his tears down.

He’d tried not to be too upset when not a week later Jeno and Jaemin started dating. He’d tried to be happy for his best friends, but it was difficult when he was still trying to move on. Not like he’d been in love with Jeno; it was only a crush that he had thought was reciprocated. But it still made his cheeks burn with humiliation whenever Jeno shied away from Jaemin at school and gave Donghyuck a pitying look.

That had only been marginally worse than having to see them make out every chance they got, hands roaming when they thought their friends were distracted.

Donghyuck slowly lifted a hand out of the water to point over to them, Mark blushing and Renjun giving the same eye roll as he waded over and started splashing them. Jeno squealed as Jaemin just tightened a hand around Jeno’s waist, using him as a shield from the water, his smile spread wide across his cheeks.

After giving the couple a fair amount of shit for their physical affection, Renjun and Donghyuck started clinging to each other jokingly, making obscene kissing noises and making Mark giggle behind his hand. Jeno blushed furiously as Jaemin just gave his nonchalant smile, seemingly unfazed.

Mark pouted, sloshing some water towards Renjun and Donghyuck. Donghyuck felt his laugh bubble in his chest.

“Aw, Minhyungie, do you feel left out?”

Mark held up his hands. “No, don’t let me come between you two.”

His protest was in vain, as Donghyuck detached his arms from Renjun’s waist and swam over to Mark, placing his hands on Mark’s shoulders and resting his head on his chest.

“Don’t worry,” he said, breath skating across Mark’s damp skin, “there’s enough of me for everyone.”

Mark hesitated before settling his hands on Donghyuck’s hips, and he wasn’t so sure why it made his breath hitch in his throat.

They went back inside some time later, when their fingertips were wrinkled and skin littered with goose bumps. Jeno had dragged his mattress from his bedroom to the living room, taking first dibs of it with Jaemin. Renjun launched himself on top of them, laughing as Donghyuck sat down on a couch and wrinkled his nose.

“Why would you _want_ to share a bed with them? All they’re gonna do is suck face next to you.”

Renjun shrugged, arms stretched up above his head. “Not if I sleep between them. You’re welcome.” He winked up at Donghyuck and he felt relief wash over him; he was sick of waking up to the sounds in the middle of the night.

Mark pulled his hoodie over his head and dug his hands deep in the pocket. “I’m gonna go out for a smoke.”

Something tugged at Donghyuck. “I’ll go with you.”

They walked just outside the garden gate of Jeno’s house, Mark fishing a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from his pocket. He tapped one out and offered it to Donghyuck who held up a hand.

“I don’t smoke.”

Mark raised his eyebrows as he put the cigarette between his lips and inhaled as he lit it. “Jeno says otherwise.”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “Weed is different.”

Mark laughed at this, smoke coming out with his breath. “Don’t tell me you’re one of _those_ assholes.”

Donghyuck shrugged and held out his fingers. “Why not.”

Mark handed it over and Donghyuck took a drag before handing it back. It tasted different from weed, but the burn was similar as it filled his lungs. He congratulated himself inwardly when he didn’t cough on it.

They stood in silence for a while, listening to traffic on the main road a few streets away. Mark inhaled, speaking before breathing out the smoke.

“What have you been up to?”

Mark and Donghyuck had almost grown up together. Donghyuck’s parents had sent him half an hour away every day for primary school, wanting him to get the best possible education without paying fifteen thousand dollars a term for a private school. Mark had been in the year above him, but somehow they’d become close, always going to each other’s birthday parties and Donghyuck going back to Mark’s house if he missed the bus home. Photo albums in Donghyuck’s home were filled of photos of the two of them, along with the others as they grew up to eleven years old. Mark and Renjun left a year before the others, being a year above them, but they still saw each other after school when their mothers went to the supermarket at the same time. Intermediate saw them get a little bit awkward, a little bit too small for their bones. But the five of them stuck together through it, teasing each other when their voices started to break. And again, Mark and Renjun left before them, but instead of going to the same college, Mark’s family moved to China for his father’s job. Deeming him old enough, they’d sent Mark back to New Zealand after he complained bitterly about China the whole time. He was living with Jeno’s family until his own came back later in the year.

Donghyuck and Mark hadn’t talked while he was overseas. Donghyuck’s parents hadn’t let him get a Facebook until two years after Mark had left. They had long given up on writing letters, and at that point it was too late to start communicating again. Mark still talked to all the others, however, meaning it was easy for him to slip back into their little group. Donghyuck himself had been worried about seeing his old best friend for the first time in four years.

Donghyuck shrugged. “Nothing, really. I’m still only sixteen so there’s nothing really for me to do, you know?”

Mark nodded. “Apart from like, smoke weed and make fun of your friends.”

Donghyuck laughed, leaning back on the small brick wall lining Jeno’s boundary and looking at the bob of Mark’s Adam’s apple. “Hey, I drink as well.”

Mark held up both his hands in surrender, cigarette burning between his lips. “My mistake, you’re clearly very versatile.”

Donghyuck shifted on his feet as Mark dropped the butt of the cigarette and stepped on it. “I’m gay. That’s something that happened while you were away.”

Not looking up from where he was grinding the cigarette into the pavement, Mark shrugged. “Aren’t we all?”

Donghyuck lingered by the footpath for a moment before running to catch up to Mark on his way back into the house. “I knew the others were but –”

Mark laughed, turning in the door way and putting a hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder. “Birds of a feather flock together, or some such bullshit.” He lowered his hand. “Really shouldn’t come as a surprise.”

Donghyuck shrugged. “You’re right,” he said, pushing past him. “You can have the bigger couch.”

Mark followed him into the living room where the other three were already asleep, Jaemin and Jeno holding hands over Renjun’s stomach as he snored softly between them. Jaemin cracked open an eye and looked up at Donghyuck. “You on the couch?”

“Yeah.”

He yawned, nuzzling his nose into the side of Renjun’s face. “Sleep well princess.”

Mark huffed a laugh as he settled into the couch opposite Donghyuck. “Night, princess,” he said, waggling his eye brows.

Donghyuck threw a couch cushion at him. “Fuck off and go to sleep.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

At 12:18 tomorrow morning  
            you said you’d parked outside  
                        my window.  
I followed you out,  
            picking my way down the tree  
                        wondering why.  
We drove aimlessly  
            just sort of…  
                        being.  
You’re very good at this  
            { just being, I mean. _}_  
                        Maybe we could do it  
                                    again sometime.

 

In the middle of December, the heat was overwhelming. Every day was a new high and the humidity of Auckland was insufferable. Donghyuck had taken to sleeping in his boxers every night, duvet tucked between his legs because he didn’t like being completely exposed in the night air. The sheets stuck to his skin and the air from his open window only cooled him down marginally. By the time he had finally persuaded his mother to buy him a fan for his room, the entire country had run out. He had resorted to ordering one from Australia, but it was taking its time to get to him.

Just as he was finally about to fall asleep, his phone rang. He groaned in protest, but answered without looking at the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Hey princess.” Mark’s voice was crackly on the other end and Donghyuck sat up in his bed.

After hearing Jaemin use the name in a moment of tired affection, Mark had taken to calling Donghyuck princess every chance he got. It made Donghyuck’s face burn.

“Why are you calling me at ass o’clock in the morning?” Donghyuck grumbled, rubbing at his eye.

“Do you wanna go for a drive?”

Donghyuck froze for a moment. “You remember I live in the middle of nowhere, right?”

Mark’s laugh came through mostly as static. “Yeah. I’m outside now.”

Donghyuck thought about it for a moment. “Okay.”

He hung up the phone, getting out of bed and flicking on his light to look for clothes. Donghyuck had never snuck out of his parents’ house. His friends’ houses, sure – but they all lived in the suburbs where it was a twenty minute to the nearest McDonalds. Donghyuck lived further south of the city and had nowhere to sneak out to apart from a paddock with some sheep. He found a pair of shorts and threw on a hoody, pulling on mismatched socks and stuffing his feet into a pair of Nikes. He climbed out of his window onto the pump shelter, gravel crunching under his feet as he walked up the long driveway.

After five minutes of walking, Donghyuck finally reached the gate where Mark had parked his car with the headlights off. Donghyuck tried not to make a sound as he unlatched the metal gate and stepped through to the other side, knowing full well that the only one who would hear anything would be his dog. He fumbled around for the door handle before sitting in the passenger seat, looking at Mark and folding his arms across his chest.

“How do you remember where I live and not what I look like?”

Mark wiped the back of his neck – something he did when he was embarrassed, Donghyuck had noticed. “I still have your letters from when I moved. You used to put your address on the back of the envelops so I knew where to send them.”

Donghyuck let his hands fall into his lap. “Oh. That makes sense.”

Mark gave him a tight-lipped smile before turning the key in the ignition and taking off the hand break. “Buckle up baby.”

He hadn’t said it like a nick name. It was more along the lines of he said it because it sounded nice, but Donghyuck’s heart still jumped a little. Donghyuck did as he was told, but put the back of his seat down so he could lie on his side and watch Mark as he backed out of the gateway and did a U-turn. They wound their way through the country roads, through the village Donghyuck lived near and on towards where they went to school.

“Where do you wanna go?” Mark said just outside of town, one hand resting on the windowsill of the car door and the wheel held lightly between the fingers of his other hand.

Donghyuck shrugged as well he could while lying on an angle. “I’m not fussed.”

Mark smiled, crossing his hands over on the wheel as he went around a roundabout a few times, trying to decide where he wanted to go. Before Donghyuck got dizzy, Mark took an exit and kept driving.

Donghyuck decided not to ask, just kept watching Mark and thinking about the past month that he’d been back in the country. He frowned.

“Hey Mark?”

“Yeah?”

“You ever think about how easy it is?”

He didn’t need to finish his sentence. Mark smiled softly, checking his blind spot before making a turn.

“Yeah. I thought we’d have grown apart at first.”

Donghyuck only hummed in response, leaving the rest of it unsaid. They fell into comfortable silence, Donghyuck letting his eyes fall shut until he felt Mark pull into a car park. He brushed a hand lightly over Donghyuck’s cheek.

“We’re here.”

Donghyuck unbuckled his belt and got out, hesitating before slamming the door shut. “Why are we at the beach?”

Mark shrugged over the other side of the car. “Felt like it.”

Donghyuck thought they might be over the other side of the estuary, but he wasn’t sure because he didn’t know the area as well as he probably should. There was a grassy bank that stretched for a few metres before dropping off into the sand. To their left was a small playground, deserted so late at night.

Mark slipped off his shoes and tucked his socks into them, then pulling his shirt over his head and placing the garments on the hood of his car. Under the street lights, Donghyuck recognised it as the old, dark green Volvo Mark’s parents had driven them around in as children. Donghyuck chuckled as he pulled his hoody off.

“This thing still have the backwards seats in it?”

Mark looked back at the car and smiled. “Yeah.”

They had always begged Mark’s mum to let them sit in the boot of the car, which lifted up to make two extra seats that faced backwards out of the boot. The car was so old you had to insert the CDs into a box in the boot, so they were disc jockeys whenever they travelled in the Volvo, waving to the people driving behind them.

Donghyuck took off his shoes and put his things next to Mark’s, following him down the beach to where the tide lapped at their toes. It was cold, but the stifling heat of the night air had Donghyuck sinking into the water easily. He tried not to think about how unpleasant the ride back to his house would be with his shorts damp on his skin, instead focusing on flipping onto his back to float, looking up at the stars and the darkness between them.

Mark waded up to his side, sinking up to his chest and lifting a hand to drip salt water onto Donghyuck’s torso. Donghyuck just shut his eyes and tried not to tense at the way it tickled.

After they got bored of swimming Mark suggested they dry off on the swings.

“I don’t wanna stain the upholstery.”

They argued for a while about who would sit in the baby swing, Mark winning in the end because he was taller. Donghyuck couldn’t fit his thighs between the leg holes so he perched on top of the back of it, the rubber digging into his flesh uncomfortably. His toes didn’t quite reach the bark beneath him, so he settled for swinging his legs back and forth as Mark pushed himself off the ground a little.

“We should get something to eat.”

Donghyuck hummed, looking down at the ground. “There a McDonald’s near here?”

“I think so. How dry are you?”

Mark reached out to feel the hem of Donghyuck’s shorts, his fingers grazing the skin of his knee cap a little and making him flinch. Mark withdrew his hand quickly and stood up. “Come on, I’m getting cold.”

Donghyuck had forgotten his wallet, so Mark bought them a couple of burgers and drinks, plus a twenty pack of chicken nuggets to share. They pulled up in a car park near Jeno’s (and now Mark’s) house, where they could see the lights from the school over the hill.

“How do you feel about going back to school?” Donghyuck asked with a mouth full of chicken nugget and sweet and sour sauce, only thinking to cover it halfway through his sentence.

Mark hummed, putting his burger down in his lap. “Gonna be weird. When do we start?”

“Early Feb.”

He grimaced, waving a dismissive hand. “I’ve got ages, let me enjoy my youth for a bit.”

Donghyuck huffed a laugh. “You’re seventeen.”

He turned to Donghyuck, sticking a finger in his chest. “Yeah, and _you’re_ only sixteen. You’ve got more time, I’m running out.”

Donghyuck laughed. “Sure, whatever grandpa.”

Mark finished off the last of his burger and folded up the wrapper neatly. “You wanna crash here?” he nodded up the street to Jeno’s house.

Donghyuck knew it was a long way to his own home, and he knew that Mark was probably only asking so he wouldn’t have to make the drive.

“I would, but my parents.”

Mark nodded, wiping his hands on his jeans. “Yeah, I get you.”

The ride back was mostly in silence, both of them happy to just spend time with each other. Mark dropped Donghyuck off at the gate, waiting for him to disappear over the hill of the driveway before turning around and driving back home. Donghyuck kicked gravel around as he walked back down to his house, one of the cats meeting him halfway in the dark and following him the rest of the way.


	3. Chapter 3

I took my coat from the peg  
the night sky is wonderful.  
            I think I’ll go for more walks  
at 12:18 tomorrow morning  
            with my breath  
                                    fresh  
                        in the air.  
{ maybe one day you could join me. _}_  
            Really, the stars  
look like they’re only there  
                                                for you.

 

Something about Donghyuck’s friend group made them want to always go for a walk at the same time every night they all spent together. Their toes started to itch as they fought off sleep and they would walk through the streets up to the hill that overlooked all of Auckland, right out to the Sky Tower in the city centre. It was quiet and chilly, something that they welcomed this deep into summer.

Jeno and Jaemin were up in front, swinging their hands between them as they giggled, trying to keep their steps synced up. Donghyuck had fallen behind, flanked by Mark and Renjun with his hands deep in his pockets as the three of them watched their friends be disgustingly affectionate. Renjun, dressed only in a shirt and shorts with flip flops, attached himself to Donghyuck’s right arm, huddling into his body.

Donghyuck tsked and rolled his eyes, but he shook Renjun off only to wrap an arm around his shoulders. Renjun hummed as he leant into him, slinging an arm over Donghyuck’s waist. Not wanting him to feel left out, Donghyuck reached out his other hand to circle lightly around Mark’s wrist. He flinched slightly at the contact, but Donghyuck held on and they continued walking up the hill. Renjun leaning his weight on Donghyuck’s side eventually pushed him into Mark’s side, his skin burning where it was in contact with Mark.

When they reached the cul-de-sac of the street that went highest up the hill, they all sat on the curb and looked out at the city. The lights stretched out below them, right out to the North Shore and the harbour bridge. Donghyuck had let go of Mark’s wrist in the process of sitting down, but Renjun was still leaning into him, trying to steal some of his body heat. Jaemin was lying on his back in the road, looking up at the stars as Jeno sat on the other side of Renjun, offering him another warm body to feed off.

Renjun hummed pleasantly, rubbing his cheek on Donghyuck’s shoulder. “I love you guys.”

Jaemin breathed out heavily. “Yeah, this is nice.” He turned his head, looking over at Donghyuck. “Feel like we need a soundtrack.”

Donghyuck laughed as he pulled out his phone to put his playlist on shuffle. As he did so, Mark pulled out his cigarettes to the tune of _Once We Were School Kids_ by Ha the Unclear. He did the rounds offering it up to each of them, all declining but Jaemin who hoisted himself up off the tarmac and sat on the other side of Mark. Mark lit both their cigarettes for them and took a drag of his own before passing it to Donghyuck.

Jeno scoffed, leaning his head on Renjun’s shoulder. “I’m not gonna kiss you after this, Jaemin.”

The rest of them laughed. “That’s okay, I wasn’t planning on kissing you anyway.”

Donghyuck coughed a little through his laugh, passing the durry back to Mark who thanked him for it. They’d taken to sharing cigarettes. Donghyuck would never ask for one of his own, but Mark always lit exactly two cigarettes, both of them smoking two halves each. Donghyuck didn’t know what that translated to, but it was a nice habit that let him know that things hadn’t really changed between the two of them. He was still used to sharing things with Mark.

By the time Mark pulled out a second cigarette, the playlist had moved onto _So Long, See You Tomorrow_ by Bombay Bicycle Club. Jaemin held his hand out across Mark, and Donghyuck handed him his phone to go through the queue. Donghyuck started singing along softly under his breath, Renjun’s weight again pushing him closer to Mark until he rested his head on his shoulder. Mark laughed softly, passing the cigarette back to Donghyuck as he motioned for Jaemin to come closer so he could continue the chain.

“I didn’t know you could sing,” Mark said suddenly, making the rest of them laugh.

“He doesn’t do anything else, it’s fucking annoying,” Jeno offered, reaching over to pinch the flesh above Donghyuck’s knee.

Donghyuck squealed, leaning further into Mark who transferred his cigarette to his other hand to put a protective arm around Donghyuck’s waist. Donghyuck melted into his side more, half for the joke and half because it felt nice.

“They’re so mean to me.”

Mark laughed, pressing a kiss into Donghyuck’s hair. “Don’t worry, princess, I think your singing is lovely.”

They listened to exactly three more songs before Renjun started really complaining about the cold and the others agreed that their butts were going numb. Renjun decided he wanted to be swaddled between Jeno and Jaemin which left Donghyuck to walk behind them with Mark. After the third time the backs of their fingers brushed together, Mark slotted their hands together, just shy of linking their fingers. Donghyuck told himself not to read into it; he held hands with the others all the time. There had even been that one time that Jeno kept holding his hand while he was almost in Jaemin’s lap making out with him.

Mark rubbed his thumb over the back of Donghyuck’s hand and Donghyuck squeezed his hand in return. When he glanced at the side of Mark’s face, he was smiling serenely.

Their base for the night was Renjun’s house. He was the youngest of three, his two older brothers having graduated already, meaning his parents didn’t really care what he did. They’d been through it all with his brothers, so they let him do more or less whatever he wanted. They piled into the living room, Renjun immediately diving under a blanket and letting his small dog Lulu leap up into lap and curl up there as he tried to get warm again.

The only problem about staying the night at Renjun’s house, just three doors down from Jeno’s, was that there was only one couch in the living room. It was fine in previous years; three of the fitting on the double mattress from Renjun’s room and one of them, (usually Renjun himself), up on the couch. But now they had a fifth, and Donghyuck didn’t think four of them would fit on the mattress at this age.

He shrugged the thought off as he and Mark joined Renjun sitting on the couch, Jeno and Jaemin taking up residency on the mattress as they always did since they started dating. They settled into each other and put on a movie that none of them really cared about, mostly making fun of it in hushed voices so they wouldn’t wake Renjun’s parents on the other end of the house. When it got to three in the morning, Jeno started yawning and tucked himself into bed next to Jaemin, falling asleep before the movie ended.

Renjun flicked the television off, sliding off the couch and onto the mattress. “Bags sharing the mattress.”

Jaemin’s hand flew up to press his thumb to his forehead. “Bags mattress.”

Donghyuck copied the gesture despite knowing what was about to happen. “Bags mattress.”

Jaemin shook his head, lowering his hand to pull the duvet back. “Jeno’s already sleeping here, that over rules your bags.”

Donghyuck pouted, folding his arms over his chest. “That’s not fair.”

Renjun laughed, slipping next to Jaemin and wrapping around him like a koala as Jaemin started playing with Jeno’s hair. “Tough titties.”

Mark started to shift off the couch. “I can sleep on the floor.”

Donghyuck latched onto Mark’s wrist and pulled him to sit down again. “Don’t be stupid, we can share a fucking couch.”

They took a moment to get organised, settling on tops and tails. Donghyuck got one of the large couch cushions and placed it on Mark’s feet to create a barrier and rested his head on it, throwing a leg over Mark’s torso. Mark giggled, a little strained, as he slung an arm over Donghyuck’s shin and leant against the arm of the couch. Donghyuck tried to just focus on his breathing to get him to sleep quickly, avoiding thinking about how comfortable it was to be so close to Mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the songs mentioned at on the playlist I linked in the original notes, but here's some links for those of you who don't have spotify  
> [Once We Were School Kids (Drunk on Youth and Friendship)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xJxD8i4yds) by Ha the Unclear  
> [So Long, See You Tomorrow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_1jG61j6-I) by Bombay Bicycle Club


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for a bit of light suicide ideation in this chapter - nothing too major Donghyuck just thinks about how small he is compared the the rest of the world and then Mark's like "okay let's bounce" hehe  
> also a bach is like a beach house idk if anyone outside of New Zealand says that

At 12:18 tomorrow  
morning  
   I stole away into the  
night  
            { the water is so warm … _}  
_                         But I held my tongue.

 

Donghyuck’s aunt had a bach up north, just shy of Cape Reinga that stood unoccupied for most of the year as she lived in Australia. Donghyuck’s family had rights to holidays there, so Donghyuck proposed it to the others and they piled into Mark’s parents’ Volvo with the boot stacked with supplies and a dinghy trailered behind them. Donghyuck had called shotgun, much to the chagrin of Renjun who had to share the backseat with Jaemin and Jeno. Somewhere outside of Whangarei he leant forward to rest his elbows on the centre console.

“You know, these two dating was fine when there were four of us. Now you keep abandoning me for Mark,” he said, sticking a sharp finger under Donghyuck’s ribcage.

Donghyuck squealed. “Not my fault you suck at calling shotgun. Besides, you’re the only one they leave each other alone for; if I was back there they’d be lying on top of me to make out.”

Mark laughed before checking both ways at an intersection. “Hyuck has a point. Hey, where am I turning?”

Donghyuck looked down at the map book open on his thighs. “Uh, left. I think.”

Mark flicked on his indicator and made the turn. “Guess we’ll find out.”

Renjun started tracing the moles on Donghyuck’s forearm, more prominent in the heat of summer than they were the rest of the year. “Hey Mark, how did you get your licence if you were in China?”

When Donghyuck looked over at him, Mark was supressing a smile. “I’m still on my restricted.”

Renjun sat up quickly. “And you’re driving us? What if we get pulled over?”

Donghyuck looked over his shoulder in time to see Jeno shrug. “My cousin got caught in her friend’s car on her restricted and when she hid the guy just told her not to make it so obvious. I don’t think they really care that much.”

Renjun scoffed. “Her friend was probably white.”

Jeno opened his mouth and closed it again before speaking. “Maybe so, but my cousin isn’t.”

Mark adjusted the air conditioning and stepped in. “I drive you guys around all the time without getting caught, this isn’t gonna be any different. Just relax, Renjun. If anyone gets into trouble it’ll be me.”

Renjun folded his arms over his chest and pouted. “Good. I’m just an innocent bystander.”

The rest of them erupted into raucous laughter – there wasn’t anything innocent about Renjun.

The remaining two hours of the drive went by with little disruption, Donghyuck occasionally flipping through the radio stations when it was just people talking.

When they finally reached the bach, up on a hill overlooking the surf beach below, everyone was glad to be up and moving again, deciding to choose rooms and then go to the beach before unpacking the car. Jeno and Jaemin got dibs on the second bedroom with a double bed around the back of the house, facing away from the beach. After some debate, the other three decided on the master bedroom, Renjun dragging one of the mattresses through from the bunk room. Once they had claimed their beds and changed into swimwear, they lathered up with sun screen and piled back into the car to drive around to the beach.

The sun was hot on their backs but the salt water kept them cool for the most part. Donghyuck had found some old boogie boards left over from when he was younger and they all took turns, laughing at the Power Puff Girls design. The material was scratchy and chafed their skin, but it was all worth it to see Renjun get dumped by a particularly large wave.

Mark made them walk to the diary at the other end of the beach, again not wanting to damage the upholstery of the ancient Volvo, despite the juice stains already tainting it from their childhood. They all bought double cone ice creams, trying to get through them before they melted over their hands. By the time they got back to the car, they were dry enough to sit down in it. Mark handed his ice cream to Donghyuck to hold while he drove, Donghyuck panicking and licking up the bits that were starting to drip. Mark reached over to pinch his knee, but he was smiling as he did so.

Jeno and Mark went on a fish and chips run, leaving Jaemin, Renjun and Donghyuck to start organising their things, dumped in a pile in the middle of the living room. There was a fair amount of food left in the pantry from the last member of the family that had stayed there, but Donghyuck felt weird about eating that instead of the stuff they had bought at a supermarket on the way up. They struggled to get the Wi-Fi router set up, Jaemin reading out the manual and Renjun snapping at him to go slower as he adjusted wires. Donghyuck made a punch of Pimms and ginger ale, mixing in chopped fruit and mint leaves.

They decided to eat down at the beach on one of the picnic tables, Jeno texting Jaemin telling them to walk down and meet them. Donghyuck took down some tomato sauce for the chips and Renjun rummaged around for his Bluetooth speaker. They saw Jeno and Mark about a hundred metres down the beach front, food wrapped in newspapers laid out on the table next to a large bottle of coke. They took turns passing the coke around, drinking straight from the bottle as they picked at the fish and chips.

Donghyuck hooked his phone up to the speaker and put his general playlist on shuffle to a Milky Chance song. When they finished the food, they put the wrappers in a nearby bin and went down onto the beach to run up and down, chasing each other like they did when they were younger. It was nice, to feel like a little kid again, even if the music set a different tone. Renjun still screamed the same way when they grabbed a limb each and dragged him, fully clothed, back towards the water, throwing him into the shallow waves and laughing. They eventually all got in, shoes and socks long forgotten by the Bluetooth speaker.

They stayed down on the beach long after the sun set out on the ocean. Donghyuck lay down on his back on the picnic table, Mark silently joining him and lying down on the seat. He reached up to where Donghyuck’s hand was hanging off the edge of the table, linking just their pinkies together. Donghyuck stared up at the clear night sky, listening to his friends splashing around in the water.

He started thinking about the space between the stars, as he often did when he looked at the dark sky. Started thinking about how hopelessly small he was in the grand scheme, how insignificant this life and this night and this moment were. He placed a hand under his head and let out a sigh, trying not to think about death too much so that he wouldn’t ruin the mood, but it was difficult when the call of the abyss tugged at the strings of his hoodie every chance it got. He started to think about the ocean and how deep it went; how humankind had only explored five percent of it and what could be at the bottom of the deepest part of the sea bed. He started to think about the 52 Hertz whale, how lonely it was swimming around and calling out for a friend though no one could hear it.

In an attempt to anchor himself, Donghyuck shifted his hand to lace his fingers with Mark’s. Mark sat up and looked down at him, too fast for Donghyuck to blink back the glossiness in his eyes. Mark frowned.

“You okay?”

Donghyuck wiped his nose on the back of his wrist and turned his head to look at Mark, giving him a weak smile. “I’m good.”

Mark’s frown deepened and he rested his chin on the table, face very close to Donghyuck’s. “You sure?”

Donghyuck swallowed and tried to maintain eye contact. “Yeah.”

There was a moment – brief though it was – where Mark’s eyes flicked down to Donghyuck’s mouth, but before he could react Mark was standing up and letting go of his hand to call down to their friends.

“Let’s go back up to the house, I wanna watch a movie.”

Donghyuck was thankful as he climbed back into the Volvo and they drove back up to the house, Renjun insisting that they watch _Zoolander_ ; “The original one, the second one was shit”. When they climbed into bed, Renjun decided he wanted to sleep alone for once. As soon as the lights were out, Mark pulled Donghyuck into his chest, and Donghyuck let him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for teens getting high hehe  
> by the way the law I mention around underage drinking is real. In New Zealand if you get busted at a party for underage drinking and you have a note from your parents the police have to let you go skdjfhgfs it's wild

At 12:18 tomorrow morning,  
                        the countdown was well  
over  
            { we made it up. _}  
_ We both came out,  
            laced fingers,  
                        back rubs,  
                                    a mixtape,  
            { don’t you know I love you? _}_           

 

New years was Donghyuck’s favourite time of year; his parents always went to stay with one of his aunts and left him at home with his older brother Taeyong to have their friends over.

In previous years, it had been more tame, considering their age. But now they were starting to fill out their clothes, Donghyuck and his friends were looking forward to getting drunk by a bonfire and staying up till sunlight.

Renjun was the first to arrive, his middle brother Sicheng driving him out to spend time with Taeyong. They had brought alcohol and snacks as well as an entire insulated supermarket bag full of cheesecake. Taeyong was on bonfire duty, which was really just making sure the huge pile of logs from floods earlier in the year was lit safely and no one threw bottles in it. Sicheng had also brought a decent amount of weed, rationing off a third of it for Renjun to share with his friends (“That’s hardly fair,” Renjun had said, eyeing the baggy, “there’s only three of you and five of us.”). Donghyuck was, as always, in charge of music, choosing the edgiest of his playlists to plug into Taeyong’s car and play down in the paddock. Jaemin got a ride with Mark and Jeno, boot of the Volvo stocked with blankets, more food and alcohol. Mark hugged Donghyuck hello, holding onto him for slightly longer than what Donghyuck had prepared for. Doyoung was the last of them to arrive, pulling up in his expensive branded car that Renjun’s oldest brother Kun was always jealous of.  

Doyoung had always been Donghyuck’s favourite of his brother’s friends. He was kind to him, even when he was small and annoying and tried to be a part of everything they did, Doyoung would pat him on the head and make an effort to include him as Taeyong just rolled his eyes. He also gave far better advice than Taeyong, who shrugged everything off and said “I don’t know, don’t you have a counsellor at the school for this shit?”. Doyoung had moved down to Dunedin to pursue a medical career, which meant that Donghyuck only got to see him during university holidays and between assignments he worked on furiously.

When everyone had arrived, Taeyong sat them all down on the couch in the living room, all five of the youngers squashed together with Renjun sitting half in Mark’s lap and half in Jaemin’s. Taeyong was flanked by Doyoung and Sicheng, arms folded over his chest.

“This is the first time we’re all really drinking together,” Taeyong started, and Donghyuck fought the smile off his face, “and I don’t want to have to be sober mum tonight. If you start to feel sick we will have water available at the bonfire site, so drink three glasses before you have any more alcohol. Does everyone have their notes?”

Each of them apart from Mark held up their permission to drink from their parents. The laws around underage drinking in New Zealand said that if you had a note from your parents you would be let off the hook, but Donghyuck thought it was a little pointless this far out of town.

Taeyong nodded. “Good. Now I don’t want any of you little shits getting cross faded, so choose one substance and _stick with it_ ,” he stressed this, emphasising with his hands, “it will be so much worse if you smoke _and_ drink so don’t do it. Who’s gonna stick to drinking?”

Jeno and Doyoung raised their hands and Jaemin gave a noncommittal shrug. Jeno elbowed him softly and he raised his hand with a quick roll of his eyes.

Taeyong clapped. “Okay, that means you guys are under Doyoung’s jurisdiction; he’ll be looking after you two tonight.”

Donghyuck raised his hand. “I have a question.”

“Yes?”

“When are you gonna bring out the roster? I think everyone will understand a lot better if we have a laminated roster we can refer to.”

Taeyong picked up a couch cushion off an armchair and threw it at Donghyuck, but it ended up hitting Mark square in the face.

 

Most of the evening was preparing the bonfire with hay bales in a semi-circle around it and taking the car down with food and alcohol, plus Sicheng and Taeyong rolling joints for the rest of them to share, original rationing abandoned. Donghyuck was wearing jean shorts that went to mid-thigh and an oversized hoodie, which was what he wore just about every time he was out after dark. He sat down on a hay bale, the hay sticking into his skin uncomfortably, but he ignored the pain as Mark took a drag from the blunt and then passed it on to him, their fingers brushing in the transaction. Donghyuck wasn’t sure why his face heated up.

After it had made a few rounds, Donghyuck’s head started to feel light and his face felt like it was an inch in front of his skull. He melted into Mark’s side, who giggled softly and far away, slinging an arm around his shoulders.

Donghyuck’s friend group had gone through a phase of playing spin the bottle every chance they got. It had been how he kissed Jeno for the first time, cheeks burning and palms sweating as he tried hopelessly to do well enough to make Jeno have feelings for him. Jeno had been soft touches, eyelashes tickling Donghyuck’s cheeks as he leant into it. Renjun was a little more firm, fingers flexing on Donghyuck’s hips like he was scared to move and frighten Donghyuck off. Jaemin was more aggressive, tugging Donghyuck into his lap and circling his arms around his waist, holding him in place as their tongues slid together.

Donghyuck wanted to suggest it, but he felt weird doing it with his brother there. And even if they went back up to the house and played it just the five of them, something about the thought of kissing Mark made Donghyuck’s heart clench and his ribcage contract. He settled for turning his head to lean his face into Mark’s neck, smelling the weed and cigarette smoke on his skin. Mark giggled again, planting a kiss on Donghyuck’s temple that made him feel a warmth that seeped into his bones.

Donghyuck thought that the main shift in his friendship with Mark wasn’t the distance, or them feeling removed from each other. It was the way they interacted; letting gestures and touches do all the talking for them. The way Donghyuck’s skin rose in tiny bumps when Mark’s fingertips trailed over it. The way Donghyuck felt comfortable when he draped himself over Mark in Mark’s tiny single bed in the corner of Jeno’s spare room. The way he sometimes couldn’t read Mark’s face, but rather than making him worried it made him excited to try and decipher it.

The countdown to the first of January came far more quickly than Donghyuck was expecting it to, his perception of time warped by the weed. Jeno and Jaemin kissed each other forcefully as Sicheng turned away, and in his haze, Donghyuck didn’t notice Mark shift them to sit face to face. He turned his face at the last second, making Mark’s lips land on his cheek, just shy of his own mouth. Donghyuck panicked, pressing his lips to the smooth skin of Mark’s cheek and trying to ignore Renjun falling off the hay bale near them. It took Mark a couple of seconds to realise what had happened, his processing speed slowed right down. He pulled away and started laughing as Donghyuck felt a dopey smile spread across his face. Renjun crawled forward to sit at their feet.

“Did you just try to kiss Donghyuck and _miss his mouth_?” he asked, hands hooked onto Donghyuck’s kneecaps.

Mark wiped a tear away with the pad of his thumb. “I sure fucking did.”

Renjun pouted up at him. “Well now I feel left out.”

Mark giggled again, leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to Renjun’s pout. They were both laughing about it, but suddenly Donghyuck’s cheeks were burning with something he thought might be shame. He stood up without ceremony, startling Renjun who fell back onto the grass. Donghyuck stumbled around to the car, knees wobbly from being curled up for so long, and poured himself a glass of water. As he drank it, Taeyong appeared at his side and got himself a beer.

“You doing alright?”

Donghyuck finished the water and looked over his shoulder to where Renjun was still sitting on the ground, talking to Mark.

“Mark tried to kiss me.”

“Tried?” Taeyong asked, brow furrowed.

“He missed.”

Taeyong laughed into his beer, coughing a little as it went down the wrong way. Donghyuck reached up to rub his back soothingly through it.

“That what you’re freaking out over?”

Donghyuck shrugged. “He kissed Renjun right after, so.”

Taeyong’s face softened and he gave Donghyuck a one-armed hug. “You’re all high, try not to think about it too much.”

“Okay,” Donghyuck said, looking down at the beer still in Taeyong’s hand. “Wait, I said we weren’t allowed to get cross faded.”

Taeyong scoffed, talking over his shoulder as he went back to sit with Doyoung and Sicheng. “Those rules don’t apply to me.”

Donghyuck drank three more glasses of water before Mark walked over to pour himself some coke.

“You okay? I don’t want you to feel weird about what happened back there.”

Donghyuck shook his head, a little forcefully. “No, I don’t really care.” He gestured to their other friends. “We’ve all kissed each other anyway.”

A second hesitation. “Right, I think I remember Jeno mentioning that in the group chat once.”

Donghyuck was taken aback, wondering if they had a group chat without him as Mark pressed a glass of coke into his hand.

“Thanks,” Donghyuck said, not making eye contact before he walked over to where Sicheng was lighting up another joint.

Sicheng handed it to him in exchange for the coke and lit the joint as Donghyuck inhaled, taking a long drag and holding it for a little longer than necessary before exhaling. Taeyong patted his arm.

“Don’t go too fast, Hyuck. I don’t wanna have to explain you being out of it for days to Mum.”

Donghyuck waved a hand through the smoke he let out. “Don’t worry about me.”

He handed the joint back and walked over to where Renjun was looking at his phone, despite there being no reception in that part of the farm. Donghyuck sat himself down in Renjun’s lap and held his face between his hands, pressing his mouth to Renjun’s, open. Renjun let out a soft squeak, but melted into it, hands resting on Donghyuck’s hips as they kissed languidly. Distantly, Donghyuck heard Taeyong complain about doing it in front of him and Sicheng, but Doyoung just laughed. Somewhere between breaths and Renjun’s hands slipping under his shirt, Mark sat next to Jeno and Jaemin on another hay bale.

 

Donghyuck had gotten bored of making out with Renjun after a while, choosing to just lean against his chest despite his smaller frame. Renjun seemed happy to curl an arm protectively around his back and place a hand on his knee as they all watched the fire burn down to its last embers. Mark eventually migrated back over to them, lounging on the hay bale and playing with Donghyuck’s hair. Donghyuck tried to stay awake, but the heat from the fire and the feeling of a body against his plus Mark’s fingers rubbing lightly against his scalp made it difficult, and before he could stop himself he was dozing off.

He was woken by Renjun shoving him out of his lap and laughing maniacally as he ran away. Donghyuck groaned, feeling his high coming down, and Mark offered a hand to help him up. He accepted, groaning again as he was hoisted to his feet. They all trailed up the hill to the house, Donghyuck rubbing sleep from his eyes and just wanting to go to sleep.

Donghyuck’s family lived in a large, old farm house that was built sometime in the fifties, which for the area was ancient. It was two stories, white with terracotta roof tiles that had grown over with moss. There were a grand total of four bedrooms on the top floor; one was their parents, one was Taeyong’s childhood bedroom still frozen in early two-thousands decor, and two spares. One of them had been a play room at one stage and the other Donghyuck’s room, but he moved down stairs when he was fifteen. Along with his new bedroom, there was the kitchen and living room.

When they got up to the house, Jaemin made a bee line to the freezer, retrieving several cheese cakes and putting them on the kitchen table as Donghyuck got forks and passed them out. The eight of them sat around in general silence as they ate, not bothering to turn a light on and instead using a torch. Donghyuck, eyes heavy, leant on Mark’s shoulder and gave up on eating. After a few minutes, Mark got a forkful of cheese cake and held it up to Donghyuck’s mouth. He bit into it happily, allowing Mark to feed him for a while.

After finishing the better half of two cheese cakes, Renjun stood up and stretched. “I’m gonna sleep in Hyuck’s old room _alone_ ,” he added, emphasising the last word. “I’m sick of all of you being all over me and I want to, for once this summer, not have someone plastered to my back while I’m asleep.”

Sicheng snorted. “Weak.”

Renjun rolled his eyes and pushed his chair in. “Just because you base your validation on people being attracted to you doesn’t mean the rest of us do.” He held up a hand to wave at them and gave one last bright smile. “Happy new year everyone.”

Taeyong, Doyoung and Sicheng all went up to Taeyong’s old room, Jeno and Jaemin laying claim to the old playroom. When it was just Donghyuck and Mark, Mark cleared his throat.

“I guess we’re together in your room then.”

Donghyuck hummed, sitting up. “You can sleep in my parents’ room if you want.”

Mark’s nose scrunched up and Donghyuck couldn’t stop the thought that it was cute. “I feel weird about that.”

Donghyuck laughed, standing up and starting to pile up the empty cheese cake boxes. “Understandable. Other people’s parents’ rooms just feel off limits, right?”

“Yeah,” Mark said, helping to clear the table before following Donghyuck to his room.

Donghyuck prided himself on keeping his room tidy, well-lit and well aired. He almost always had a window open, or at least the door to allow airflow, the walls a crisp white and bare. His sheets were white to match, with an untreated wood frame to match his chest of drawers. As he walked from the door to his bed, he shed his shorts and hoodie, climbing into bed and lying on the side closest to the wall. Once he had rearranged his pillows, he threw back a corner of the duvet and patted the mattress. Mark laughed, pulling his shirt off over his head with a hand on its collar and crawling up the bed to lie next to him. Donghyuck rolled over to face away from Mark, but he scooted a little closer to him. Mark hesitated behind him, shifting the mattress, before lifting a single finger to trace shapes on Donghyuck’s back. Donghyuck sighed at the contact, a trail of goose bumps across his back as Mark moved his finger across his skin, up and down his spine and blooming in spirals across his shoulder blades. Just as Donghyuck was falling asleep again, Mark spoke up.

“I’m really glad we still get along, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck curled his toes, pulling his feet under the covers to retract in a ball. “So am I, Mark.” He rolled over again, Mark resting an open palm on his cheek. “I forgot how important you are to me, but it’s easy to remember now.”

Mark huffed a laugh, dropping his voice to a whisper. “You sound like an indie movie.”

Donghyuck laughed as well, letting his eyes fall shut as Mark started scratching lightly behind his ear. “Have you seen my music taste? My whole life is an indie coming of age movie.”

“That’s true.” Mark shifted closer to him, and Donghyuck could feel the heat coming from him. “Sorry I missed your mouth earlier.”

Donghyuck’s eyebrows twitched. “’S okay.” He hummed, adjusting himself in a way that made their noses bump together. “If I stop replying it’s because I fell asleep.”

“Oh.” Donghyuck couldn’t read his tone through his exhaustion. “Okay, I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

“Mm, love you.”

One of Mark’s fingers twitched on the side of Donghyuck’s face. “Love you too, Hyuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this didn't ... fully match up with the poem I chose for this chapter but I REALLY wanted to write about a new years eve party hehe


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a direct continuation from the previous chapter and the one after this will be another direct continuation hehe

The stars are bright  
             at 12:18 tomorrow morning  
when we ran together  
             through the field.  
Not 12:18 exactly  
             { I didn’t have a watch. _}  
_                          But we were lying there  
for quite a while  
                                     our fingers were  
                                                  rtwi  
                                          inte        ned.  
I don’t think I love you  
            { what of love? _}_  
that’s barely important.  
Listen to the wind  
                        in the grass  
           at roughly 12:18  
                         tomorrow morning.

 

Donghyuck’s first thought upon waking up was that he hadn’t slept for long enough. When he turned his head, his chin smacked against something hard and he heard Mark swear under his breath. He only realised once Mark started to disentangle himself from Donghyuck’s body that they had been tightly wound around each other in Donghyuck’s bed. It was still dark outside, the room lit up by Mark checking the time on his phone.

“Why’d you have to wake me up at fucking four in the morning?” he said, dropping his phone and sinking back down onto his pillow.

As Donghyuck’s eyes adjusted to the light, he started to make out the shape of Mark’s face. His brain filled in the blanks. “I don’t know. Must’ve had a bad dream, it’s not like I woke up on purpose.”

The shadows around them shifted in a way that suggested Mark had shrugged. “Whatever. Wanna go for a walk?”

“Sure, why not?”

Donghyuck flicked on his lamp, making them both flinch a little. As they pulled back the covers and got out of bed, Donghyuck couldn’t help but cave on himself, regretting taking all his clothes off as he wished he could hide himself better. It wasn’t that he was insecure about his body – far from it, as he spent almost every day shirtless by Jeno’s pool – but he felt vulnerable baring himself in front of Mark. In just his boxers and the silence of his bedroom, lowlight casting golden shadows, he felt like he was showing too much of himself. He turned his back as he pulled on his clothes from earlier in the night.

He looked on his bedside table for his phone and sat on the edge of his bed, waiting for Mark to get dressed before the two of them slipped out the back door and into the night.

Donghyuck took the lead, considering Mark hadn’t been there for four years and had forgotten the lie of the land. They went into one of the paddocks, walked along the flood plain until they got to where the fire was still smouldering. Donghyuck laughed as Mark used the coal to light a cigarette that they passed back and forth, fingers brushing against knuckles. They passed some of the sheep the Lees kept, Mark running up through the middle of them, moonlight illuminating the wool on the sheep’s backs. When they got to the paddock with the small cattle herd, Donghyuck passed the cigarette back to Mark and looked around.

When he caught sight of his old pet calf, now an impressively large Jersey heifer, he approached her slowly. Mark stubbed out his cigarette on a fence post and pocketed it before following after Donghyuck. The animal was curled up under a tree, head laid down on the grass beneath her. Donghyuck put a soft hand on her shoulder and starting rubbing, her head perking up after a few minutes. He smiled fondly down at her.

“Do you remember Beatrice?”

Mark laughed. “She’s still around?”

Beatrice had been born in early August when Donghyuck was twelve years old; Mark’s last year in New Zealand before he’d moved away. Her mother had died giving birth to her, meaning that Donghyuck and Taeyong had to raise her with the help of their mother. It was mostly Donghyuck and their mother, as Taeyong’s work load at school had gotten a lot heavier in his second to last year. All of his friends had taken to Beatrice, but Mark most of all. Now, in the early morning on the first of January, Mark pulled some grass out of the ground and held it out for Beatrice as Donghyuck settled against her side. Beatrice sniffed Mark’s hand for a moment before her tongue came out to curl around the grass, tickling Mark’s palm and making him giggle. As she chewed, Mark moved to sit next to Donghyuck, backs leant against Beatrice’s warm stomach.

Donghyuck rested his head on Mark’s shoulder and Mark rested his head atop Donghyuck’s. They sat for a while in silence, just listening to crickets in the night and the breathing of the other cows around them. After a few minutes Mark slipped his hand into Donghyuck’s, linking their fingers together.

“Do you have any new year’s resolutions?”

Donghyuck thought about it. “Not really. They’re a bit pointless, aren’t they? Everyone ends up breaking them anyway.”

Mark huffed a laugh, circling his thumb over a mole on the back of Donghyuck’s hand. “I guess, but it takes work to actually make a change in your life. You can’t just break it once and then be like ‘Oh well guess that’s me done for the year’, you know?”

“I guess. Why, do you have any?”

Mark shrugged with the shoulder that wasn’t housing Donghyuck’s head. “Smoking was cute when I lived in China, ‘cause you know everyone there snorts tobacco. But here it’s different I think. I don’t know, I’m thinking I should stop.”

“But how will you maintain your mysterious bad boy image?”

Mark laughed, squeezing Donghyuck’s hand. “I’ll learn how to ride a motorbike or something. I’ll figure it out. Anyway, there’s nothing bad boyish or mysterious about lung cancer.”

“That’s a good point. Nothing cool about dying young.”

“Exactly. Although, I don’t think I smoke enough to die young, exactly.”

“Whatever, you’re dying with me in the nursing home when we’re ninety like we planned.”

For just a moment, Mark stopped breathing. Donghyuck thought that maybe he’d said something out of turn, but before he could apologise Mark kept talking.

“What subjects are you taking this year?”

“Well, I still have to take English and PE, so those. Uh, media studies, maths, bio, drama. What about you?”

“English literature –”

“Okay mister intellectual.”

“Shut up,” Mark giggled. “English lit, calc, media, French and early childhood.”

“Early childhood?”

“Yeah, I wanted a bum subject. And besides, cross credits from Shanghai pretty much have me qualified for uni now, I just need some core subjects.”

“What was Shanghai like, anyway?” Donghyuck asked, slinging an arm over Mark’s lap.

“A bit shit. All I wanted to do was come home. Pretty sure my parents only agreed to let me come home to get me to shut up.”

“Don’t you miss them?”

“I mean, yeah, but I still talk to them a lot. And Jeno’s mum has been really nice to me.”

Donghyuck laughed, nuzzling against Mark’s neck. “She always gave the best hugs when we were kids.”

They fell into silence after that, later standing up and dusting dirt off the seat of their pants. Donghyuck crouched down by Beatrice’s head and kissed behind her ear, Mark giving her another handful of grass before they headed off to the track that looped back to the house. They still held hands, swinging them back and forth between them as the loose gravel crunched beneath their shoes.  


	7. Chapter 7

This time of the year  
            12:18 tomorrow morning  
                  is beautiful.  
                                     I don’t dread it.  
            You meet me on the roof  
                        and the moon lights up  
                                    the smoke.  
{ Why are you beautiful when  
             you smoke? _}_  
                                  I wish I had more  
12:18 tomorrow mornings  
                      like the ones I have now.

 

Donghyuck’s room was an add on, built sometime in the eighties long after the rest of the house had been standing. It stuck out of the side of the house in a way that would be ugly if Donghyuck hadn’t lived there his whole life. The roof above it used to be thin aluminium, but the summer before he and his father had ripped it up and replaced it with insulating rubber, making the rain drops softer during wetter months.

Just as Donghyuck reached out to open the back door, Mark put a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s nearly sun up anyway, we should watch the sunrise.”

Donghyuck thought about it. “Okay, we can sit on the roof. Let me get a ladder.”

Mark helped him carry the ladder from the shed to the deck next to Donghyuck’s bedroom, leaning it up against the roof and climbing up one after the other. There were some eucalyptus leaves scattered around, but Donghyuck was just glad there were no dead animals in the gutters. Mark disappeared for a moment and then came back with the pillows and duvet from Donghyuck’s bed. He made up a bed in the middle of the roof, lying under the duvet and then holding out an arm for Donghyuck. Donghyuck rolled his eyes but got under the covers as well, cushioning his head on the juncture where Mark’s shoulder turned into his chest. Mark giggled, breath tickling Donghyuck’s hair as he wrapped an arm around his shoulders, hugging him closer. Donghyuck placed a hand splayed out on Mark’s chest.

It was weird, to be tucked up in bed but on the roof. Odd, to be so comfortable cradled against Mark’s body, sharing heat between the two of them. Strange, to be so aware of every bit of his skin that was in contact with Mark, to be so conscious about how much of his weight was on Mark. He shrugged it off; overall he was content with being swaddled by Mark and cradled.

Mark started to trace shapes on Donghyuck’s shoulder cap, fingers dancing along his skin to where his shirt had fallen down to expose his collarbones. The touch tickled a little, making Donghyuck’s breath hitch as he stared up as the brightening sky. He returned the touch, dragging his forefinger up and down Mark’s sternum and making his shirt ride up a little. Donghyuck caught himself wishing they didn’t have the duvet so he could see the sliver of skin above Mark’s pants. He stamped out the thought as quickly as he could, squeezing his eyes shut.

Eventually, Mark’s hand moved to Donghyuck’s hair, twirling the strands of it around his fingers and gently scratching at his scalp. Donghyuck melted, humming in satisfaction as Mark rubbed behind his ears. Mark laughed at him, breath grazing across Donghyuck’s forehead.

“You’re like a cat, sometimes.”

Donghyuck frowned a little, but he rubbed his cheek on Mark’s chest. “You give good head rubs, if anything it’s your fault.”

“Here, sit up, I wanna smoke.”

Donghyuck moved his head to a pillow as Mark sat up and fished out his pack of cigarettes and lighter. He put a hand behind his head and looked up as Mark cupped a hand around the end of the cigarette and lit it.

“What happened to quitting?”

Mark laughed around the durry. “Pretty sure somewhere in there I mentioned that part of changing is going back to how you were.”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes as Mark lay down and passed the cigarette to him. “Sounds like some pretentious bullshit to me.”

“As if you can talk,” Mark said, poking Donghyuck in his side, causing him to choke a little on the smoke filling his lungs. “You listen to fucking alternative indie music, you’re the most pretentious of all of us.”

“Maybe so,” Donghyuck said, blowing smoke into Mark’s face and giggling as he waved a hand through it. “But that doesn’t make the rest of you any _less_ pretentious.”

Mark took the durry off him and flipped over onto his back. Donghyuck simply watched his profile, admiring the way the sun turned his blond hair a peachy colour as it peaked over the horizon. Mark seemed to have his eyes fixed there and he squinted into the light. The smoke coming from his mouth was turning golden, his irises a redder brown than they were in normal lighting. His skin was bronzed from the summer, and it seemed to glisten as the sun hit it. Donghyuck took it all in. The way the outer corners of his eyes drooped down a little, the slow slope of his nose before it rounded off, the jut of his lower lip as it wrapped around the cigarette. Donghyuck’s eyes trailed along Mark’s hairline, sideburns framing his ear and leading to his jawline, soft corners and sharp chin covered in sparse, fine stubble. His eyelashes, long and lit up by the sun, caressing his cheek as he blinked, making him look a lot softer than he probably wanted to seem.

Mark turned his head, and suddenly, like the night before, their faces were very close together. Their noses were almost touching, and Mark looked down at Donghyuck’s lips before licking his own. Donghyuck’s heart leapt into his throat as Mark started angling his head, and he scrunched his eyes shut while he waited for the impact.

“Oh shit, am I about to interrupt something?”

Donghyuck and Mark flinched away from each other, Donghyuck yelping as he struggled to sit up and see who it was. Renjun was giving them a devilish grin from where he was halfway out of the window of Donghyuck’s old bedroom. He unfroze, climbing the rest of the way out when neither of them told him to fuck off. He walked over to them and wriggled his way under the covers between them, not noticing the way Donghyuck’s cheeks were burning and his eyes were stinging. Renjun sensed the awkward air around them and cleared his throat.

“Good idea to watch the sunrise, we should get the others out here.”

He pulled out his phone and called Jeno, who answered the phone with a grumble about how early it was. He and Jaemin joined them a few moments later, looking a little dishevelled as they tried to stretch the edges of Donghyuck’s duvet over all five of them. They stayed out there on the roof for an hour before heading back inside because the sun got too hot for them to handle. Once inside, Taeyong and Doyoung cooked them all a big breakfast, saying the bacon would help them get over their hangovers. The whole time, Donghyuck couldn’t help the shame burning a hole in his stomach and forcing him to avoid eye contact with Mark.


	8. Chapter 8

At 12:18 tomorrow morning,

                                    alcohol dripping from our

mouths

                                                      you taught me

                  { all your tricks. _}_

                                    So I could share them.

 

 

Once school started up again, they started hanging out less. Donghyuck was expecting this; most of them were in year twelve, when university entrance was in the front of their minds and the work load was heavy. Mark and Renjun were in year thirteen, Renjun shouldering head boy duties and Mark trying desperately to catch up to his classmates. They all ate lunch together out on the field when the weather was nice enough, often going back to Jeno’s or Renjun’s or Jaemin’s houses after school or during free periods. Despite what everyone thought of him, Donghyuck valued his education, so he stopped smoking and started studying hard. He passed all of his assignments with flying colours.

When the first term ended, they were all relieved to be free of their uniforms. Jaemin invited their group over to his to stay the night, promising an empty house and plenty of alcohol. Donghyuck was eager to have a break, although he was still planning on doing a lot of studying over the two-week holiday.

When he got to Jaemin’s house, over the other side of school from Jeno’s and Renjun’s houses, he dumped his overnight bag in Jaemin’s bedroom and set in on the alcohol, pouring himself a vodka and lemonade that was probably too strong, but he drank it down anyway. Mark, Jeno and Renjun arrived together, walking over with snacks and more alcohol in tow. Jeno immediately attached himself to Jaemin’s side, but Donghyuck found he wasn’t as bothered about it as he had been.

Things soon got out of hand, which was impressive seeing as all they were doing was watching movies. They decided to play a drinking game with _The Room_ , which got them all drunk very quickly due to bad script writing. At some point during the second half, Mark went to the bathroom and didn’t come back until the movie was over. Donghyuck, although his mind was clouded by alcohol, thought he should go and check on him.

“You guys start the movie,” he said, stumbling to his feet and picking his way across the mattress. “I’m going toilet.”

It took Donghyuck a moment to remember which door was the bathroom. Once he found it he slumped against the wall and knocked feebly on the door.

“Yeah?”

“Minhyungie.” Donghyuck’s voice sounded whiney even to his own ears and he closed his eyes. “You’ve been gone ages, are you okay?”

On the other side of the door, Mark sighed. “You can come in, Hyuck.”

The door was unlocked, but Donghyuck still locked it behind him. When he turned around, one hand on the sink to steady himself, Mark was sitting on the toilet with the lid down. His hair was tousled, brushed back from his face as if he’d been running his hand through it a lot. His shirt sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and Donghyuck’s eyes trailed over his forearms before looking at his thighs, spread out a little as he was sitting down. After a moment that probably lasted a bit too long, he lifted his eyes back to Mark’s face. His brows were furrowed, making a slight crease between them. His bottom lip was a little swollen, making it look like he’d been biting it.

Before Donghyuck could think it through, he was moving forward and straddling Mark’s lap. He wound his arms around his neck and pressed their lips together, enjoying the soft sound of surprise that Mark let out against his mouth. He gave Mark a moment to adjust to what was going on, but was soon moving his mouth in a rhythm he hoped wasn’t sloppy. When he started running his tongue over Mark’s bottom lip, Mark started to pull away.

“Hyuck,” he murmured, words muffled by Donghyuck’s lips. “Hyuck, stop.”

Donghyuck pulled back. “Oh shit, oh my god, Mark I’m so sorry.”

He started to climb off Mark’s lap, but Mark placed his hands under Donghyuck’s thighs and hoisted him up. Donghyuck yelped and gripped onto Mark’s shoulders as Mark walked them over to the sink, sitting Donghyuck down on the ledge.

“It’s okay, Hyuck,” Mark said, ghosting his lips over Donghyuck’s. “I just didn’t wanna make out on the toilet.”

Donghyuck threaded his fingers through the short hairs at the nape of Mark’s neck and tugged on them a little. He smiled as Mark’s eyes fluttered shut at the feeling and leant in to press their lips together. Mark was quicker to respond this time, digging his fingertips into Donghyuck’s thighs and nipping at his bottom lip. Donghyuck pressed his chest to Mark’s, still trying to stay perched on the sink as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss.

Kissing Mark was different than how Donghyuck had imagined it. He had expected him to be more like Jaemin; a little rough around the edges and tasting like cigarettes. In reality, although he did taste a little of ashes, he mostly tasted of alcohol and strawberry lip balm. He was more fluid in his movements, more soft than Donghyuck thought he was capable of being. His hands on Donghyuck’s thighs were firm and warm, something to anchor Donghyuck as his head felt light and his chest felt full. Slowly, Mark’s hands moved to Donghyuck’s hips, his arms then wrapping around his middle to hold them together more closely as their tongues slid together.

Mark pulled away, only to start mouthing along Donghyuck’s jaw, speaking against the skin of his neck.

“I’ve wanted to do this for so long.”

Donghyuck blushed, tightening his grip in Mark’s hair as Mark sucked hard on his collarbone. His breath hitched and he tightened his legs either side of Mark’s hips and Mark left hickeys along the length of his collarbone. Donghyuck just kept tightening and releasing his fingers in Mark’s hair, breath hitching when Mark pulled back and blew cool air over the trail of saliva he’d left over Donghyuck’s sensitive skin. He lifted his head and returned his mouth to Donghyuck’s. Their lips slotted together and they continued to kiss almost lazily, Mark’s hands soft as one held Donghyuck’s hip and the other ran up and down his spine.

Just as Donghyuck felt his head start to spin, there was a knock on the door. Donghyuck pulled away and put a hand over Mark’s mouth.

“Yeah?”

Jaemin’s voice was muffled from the other side of the wall. “Are you guys done making out or should I piss in the garden?”

Donghyuck felt his face flush as Mark just laughed, moving away from Donghyuck to the door. Donghyuck hopped down from the sink and went to join Mark by his side as he opened the door. Jaemin smirked at them, reaching out to ruffle Mark’s hair.

“Cute. Thanks guys.”

He shut the door behind him, leaving Mark and Donghyuck in the dark hallway. Donghyuck’s head was starting to swim a little, and he leant against the wall for support. Mark rubbed the back of his neck and cleared his throat.

“That was nice.”

Donghyuck hummed. “You’re a good kisser.”

Mark beamed and Donghyuck’s heart clenched. “Thanks, you’re not so bad yourself.” He looked down and kicked lightly at the skirting board. “Odds on it happening again?”

“Pretty high.” Donghyuck reached out, grabbing onto Mark’s collar and pulling him down for another kiss. He held onto either side of Mark’s neck as Mark placed his hands on Donghyuck’s hips again, but it only lasted for a moment before they heard Jaemin washing his hands and decided to go back to the living room. Mark sat down on a couch and pulled Donghyuck almost into his lap, letting Donghyuck cushion his head against his chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY OH MY GOD  
> the next couple chapters might not be quite so long just a warning hehe


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if you want to know the mood for this chapter it's the cat power sea of love cover uwu

12:18 tomorrow morning.  
You lay down your head.  
In my lap.  
And cried.

                                    { You were always  
        stronger than me _.}_

      You shared a burden of your mind.  
      You admitted you were weak.  
      And you hated it.  
      But you trusted me.

                                    { So much stronger. _}_

I believe you are stronger.  
Than anyone I know.  
You may feel weak.  
The way I feel broken.

                                    { It doesn’t mean we  
                                            are. _}_

 

After the first time it happened, Donghyuck and Mark couldn’t stay away from each other. Any time they hung out it ended with the two of them twined together in some corner of whoever’s house it was. Despite what Donghyuck had first thought, nothing changed between the two of them during the daylight, apart from maybe Mark was a little more physically affectionate. Which was all fine and good when they were watching a movie and Donghyuck tucked his head under Mark’s arm, nestling into his side and making his home there. But when they were in public, Mark’s fingers gripping his hip loosely made him squirm.

As the school holidays came to an end and they went back to school, Donghyuck felt something tugging at his chest. He forced it down, dismissing it as simply surprise whenever Mark pulled him into his lap in a corner of the house commons. Dismissed it as simply comfortable whenever he leant back against Mark’s chest.

He was up studying one night, trying and failing to wrap his head around his statistics homework when he got a phone call from Mark. He answered it, rubbing his face with an open palm and then resting his chin in his hand.

“Hey.”

“Hey, can I crash at yours?”

Donghyuck sat up a little. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Mark gave a breathless chuckle, “just went for a drive and I’m too tired to go back home, you know?” there was a moment of hesitation. “And I want to see you.”

Donghyuck looked at his watch, the lady bug that acted as a second-hand tracking around the perimeter of the clock face. “I’m studying and I wanted to get an early night, but sure.”

“That’s okay, I don’t mind. We don’t have to do anything.”

Something pulled at Donghyuck’s chest. “Yeah alright. How far away are you?”

Donghyuck walked up to meet Mark at the gate, directing him to park his car out of the way and away from the house so he didn’t wake up Donghyuck’s parents. They walked down the drive way together, Mark hooking his elbow around Donghyuck’s as the gravel crunched beneath their feet. They were well into May and the chill in the air was evident of winter creeping up on them. It wasn’t yet cold enough to see their breaths, but Donghyuck felt it through his pyjama pants.

When they got into the house, climbing up onto the pump house and through Donghyuck’s window, Mark went straight for the bed, tucking himself in and curling up on his side. After watching him, Donghyuck closed his window and returned to his desk, hoping the cool air had cleared his head a little. After struggling through two questions, Donghyuck spared a glance over his shoulder to see that Mark had fallen asleep, his mouth fallen open softly and one hand curled up next to his head on the pillow. He smiled to himself, enjoying how peaceful Mark looked compared to how tense he’d seemed on the walk down.

His eyelids were being weighed down, so Donghyuck left the remaining two questions for the next morning before classes. He packed this things away quietly so as not to wake Mark, picking his way around his room to put his books in his bag before going to the bathroom to cleanse his face and brush his teeth. When he got back to his room, he flicked the light switch and slipped into bed.

He jumped a little when Mark turned over, one hand fumbling under the covers until he found Donghyuck’s. Mark linked their fingers together, gripping tightly onto Donghyuck so hard it almost hurt.

“Mark?” the only reply was a soft sniffle. “Mark, are you okay?”

In the dark, Mark shuffled across the mattress so that he could rest his head on Donghyuck’s chest, slinging an arm over his torso. Donghyuck could feel him quivering and put an arm around his shoulders, his other hand linking back with Mark’s. Mark gave the occasional sniff, and after a while Donghyuck felt moisture seeping through the fabric of his shirt. His heart ached, but he waited until Mark felt comfortable to speak.

After a few minutes, Mark gave a wet chuckle. “Sorry, god I feel so pathetic.”

Donghyuck kissed the top of Mark’s head. “Don’t.”

He sighed. “I just, I don’t know. The whole time I was in Shanghai I hated it and just wanted to come home, you know? But now I’m home and all I want is to go back.” He sniffed particularly hard, and Donghyuck reached to his bedside table to pluck a tissue out of the box. “Thanks. I just miss my parents so fucking much. I thought I’d be alright, because you know at this age all you want is to get away from them and be on your own. But god I miss them so much.”

Donghyuck started rubbing up and down Mark’s arm. “That’s understandable. They come home soon though, don’t they? Like later this year?”

Mark blew his nose loudly. “They’re going to miss my birthday.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, Minhyungie.” Donghyuck picked up the whole tissue box and placed it on his stomach for Mark to get to.

“Yeah it fucking sucks. I don’t know, school is way more stressful than I thought it would be, you know? And sometimes I just want a hug from my mum.”

Donghyuck felt his eyes prickling himself and held Mark tighter against his chest.

“I feel like, because I’m living away from my parents everyone expects me to be so strong and brave, but I’m just not,” Mark had started sobbing now, his shoulders shaking under Donghyuck’s arms, “I feel so weak all the time and I can’t sleep properly and I feel like I haven’t been happy since summer.” He let out a harsh breath. “Back when nothing mattered and we were all just walking around at two in the morning. But now I’m always up at two a.m. and all I can do is stare at the ceiling and regret all the choices I’ve made the past six months.”

He deteriorated into sobs for a moment, and all Donghyuck could do was hold him tighter and press kisses to the top of his head. He felt helpless, wanting to absorb all of Mark’s pain, transferring it from one body to another, so that Mark wouldn’t have to do this alone. He felt horrible and guilty, even though he knew realistically that it had nothing to do with him.

Mark calmed down after a moment, his breathing evening out and his face mopped up with a tissue discarded on the floor. “Thanks for letting me come over. It feels weird talking to the others about this stuff, you know? I trust you with this part of me, or whatever.”

Tears started to spill, Donghyuck’s tear ducts unable to contain them as he attempted to keep his voice even. “You can come to me with this any time, Minhyung. I’ll always be here for you.”

Mark turned around in Donghyuck’s arms, pressing their cheeks together in the proximity. “I love it when you call me that.”

Donghyuck huffed a laugh. “What, Minhyung? Your name?”

Mark’s hands bunched in the hem of Donghyuck’s shirt. “Yeah, I don’t know. Makes me feel safe.”

Donghyuck’s heart swelled at the thought that he made Mark feel safe; Mark who was always so strong and solid and certain of himself. He kissed Mark’s cheek.

“Get some sleep, Minhyungie.”

Mark hummed, rubbing his nose on Donghyuck’s neck. “You too, Donghyuck. You work too hard.”

It took only moments for Mark to fall asleep again, Donghyuck’s arms still circled around him. Donghyuck’s arm was falling asleep and he didn’t like sleeping on his side, but he couldn’t bring himself to disturb Mark after he’d been so vulnerable with him. He pressed a single, feather light kiss to Mark’s lips and settled down into the pillows.

 


	10. Chapter 10

It’s 12:18 tomorrow morning  
                  my head is resting next to you  
                                    my feet are hanging off  
 the edge  
                  { but that’s strangely okay. _}  
_                                     I think it’s real now  
                  after all that effort  
it’s real  
                  { so are you. _}_

 

Jaemin had a part time job at the local ice skating rink, just a few minutes’ drive from their school. He worked Friday to Sunday nights, which Jeno complained about endlessly. Jaemin liked to use it as an excuse to bring his boyfriend into work and show him off to the year tens who stared at him as he skated around. Jeno tried to act pissed off, but he always ended up blushing and giggling behind his palms.

One Friday evening, they decided to all go ice skating together after the rink closed, Jaemin saying it was fun and easy and Mark saying he’d picked it up in Shanghai. Donghyuck was a little more hesitant, but he figured that seeing as Renjun had never done it either, he’d at least have one other person to struggle with.

Only that Renjun picked it up easily and was skating circles around him within a matter of minutes. Donghyuck was gripping onto the side, inching forward and trying desperately not to fall backwards on his ass. Renjun did another lap, laughing as he looked backwards and still managed to avoid the barrier.

“How the fuck are you so good at this?” Donghyuck called out to him, hating the pant in his voice.

“It’s because I’m not a pussy,” Renjun yelled back, laughing.

After going forward another metre or so, Donghyuck jumped when he felt hands on his hips. He gripped the side harder as he looked over his shoulder, trying to keep his balance as he saw Mark grinning at him.

“Jesus Christ you gave me a fright.”

“Sorry, princess.” Donghyuck’s face burned and he looked away. “You need some help?”

“No,” Donghyuck bit back, “I’m doing perfectly fine, watch this.” He let go of the side for a moment, almost losing his balance before grabbing onto it again. “See?” he asked, feeling Mark’s chest shake with laughter against his back, “I’m doing great.”

Mark let go of his waist and skated around in front of him so that they were face to face. “Here,” he said, holding out his hands. “I’ll help you.”

Donghyuck was sceptical, but slowly he was able to let go of the barrier and instead link his fingers with Mark’s. Mark’s hands were warm against his own cold hands, and Donghyuck felt bad about it for a moment. He was quickly distracted, however, as Mark started to skate backwards, taking Donghyuck with him as he went.

“Watch my feet for a while,” Mark said, rubbing his thumb against Donghyuck’s for a moment. “Don’t worry about your own, just get used to the rhythm first.”

Donghyuck nodded and watched the easy glide of Mark’s skates on the ice as they circled around the rink. When they had done a full lap, Mark squeezed his hands.

“Okay, so now you try doing it, just follow me. I’ll slow down a bit.”

Vaguely, Donghyuck recognised Jaemin yelling out that he needed to start cleaning the ice, so to keep down one end of the rink. Donghyuck’s legs were a bit shaky, but after a few minutes he started to get used to it. The rumble of the ice cleaning machine almost over powered the shitty pop music playing over the stereo system in the rink. Donghyuck could hear all his friends laughing and looked up to see Jeno and Renjun attempting to ballroom dance on the ice. He glanced at Mark to see him staring back. Donghyuck hung his head, cheeks burning as he tried to focus on what his feet were doing.

By the time Jaemin had worked through two thirds of the rink, Donghyuck was almost skating on his own, side by side with Mark as they held hands. It was pretty fun in the end, but he started to get bored. He pretended to trip, throwing his body into Mark’s and sending them both tumbling onto the ice. Donghyuck laughed as Mark just groaned, but he wrapped his arms around Donghyuck’s waist and held him down, preventing him from getting up. Donghyuck kicked his legs a little and Mark spread his own, trying to avoid a blade to the shin. Only when Donghyuck finally relaxed back into Mark’s body did he let go, rolling to the side and tipping Donghyuck onto the ice before getting up and skating off the rink.

Mark laughed, clutching his stomach, as Donghyuck tried and failed to stand up on his own in the middle of the rink, eventually settling for crawling across the ice on his hands and knees. By the time he got to the gate his hands were numb and the knees of his jeans were damp. Mark was still laughing, but he helped Donghyuck undo the laces of his skates.

The four of them waited in the bleachers for Jaemin to finish on the ice, Renjun complaining bitterly about how cold he was.

“Maybe if you weren’t the size of an eight-year-old,” Jeno said, stabbing a finger under Renjun’s rib cage and making him squeal.

“Hey,” Renjun said, rubbing his side, “you know I’m sensitive about that.”

They stopped at McDonalds on the way back because it was close and Renjun was determined to prove a point to Jeno. It was getting towards midnight and against his better wishes Donghyuck started yawning. Mark had offered to drive him home afterwards, but all Donghyuck wanted to do was curl up in bed and go to sleep. Mark seemed to notice on the walk back from McDonalds, slinging an arm around Donghyuck’s shoulders and pulling him close.

“Do you wanna crash at Jeno’s?”

Donghyuck sighed in relief, slipping his eyes shut and relying on Mark to guide him again. “If that’s okay.”

Mark chuckled softly, pressing a kiss to Donghyuck’s temple. “I’m sure it’ll be fine; you can sleep in with me.”

In the back of his head, Donghyuck realised that Mark only had a single bed, but he dismissed the thought in favour of concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other.

When they got to Jeno’s house, Jeno invited Donghyuck to stay the night anyway. He gave he and Mark a sideways glance before disappearing into his own room and when Donghyuck looked at Mark he was frowning.

Mark leant Donghyuck a shirt to sleep in, despite it being a little too big for him, seeing as Donghyuck had only just started his first growth spurt. Mark got into bed first, up against the wall, and put his arm out along the edge of the pillow. Donghyuck got in after switching off the lamp on the bedside table, using Mark’s arm as an extra bit of cushioning and placing a hand on his waist. He felt Mark’s breath ghost across his skin before Mark was pressing their lips together.

Donghyuck was exhausted, but he kissed back, sliding his hand up Mark’s chest, over his shoulder and up into his hair. He lifted one of his legs to hook over Mark’s hips, pressing their chests closer as Mark slid their tongues together. Mark’s hands felt like they were everywhere on Donghyuck’s body, and he welcomed the feeling as comforting. He loved kissing Mark. He loved the soft touches and firm grip, the soft puffs of air against his cheek as Mark breathed through his nose. Even just the shape of Mark’s lips had become familiar with the amount of times they had been against Donghyuck’s own. When Mark broke away, Donghyuck found himself chasing his mouth despite how tired he was. Mark giggled softly in the dark.

“You’re tired, we should sleep.”

Donghyuck hummed, turning over and pressing his body back into Mark’s. Mark slung an arm over his waist, nuzzling into the back of Donghyuck’s neck and kissing the top of his spine.

It took Donghyuck a moment to fall to sleep, whereas Mark was soon snoring softly, his breath ruffling the hair at the top of Donghyuck’s neck. It was then, listening to the sound of Mark’s breathing and cars on the main road, that Donghyuck realised. Against all his best efforts, all the times he had sworn to his ceiling that he wouldn’t, Donghyuck had still fallen in love with Mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is def more closely related to the poem hahahahahaha she hit close to home !! anyway this is where things get interesting uwu


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so to be clear in nz you do three years of exams; year 11 is level one, year 12 is level two and year 13 (senior year) is level three. level two is famously way more difficult than level three for some reason. also when mark says he's passed his full it means he has his full drivers licence, i couldn't find a natural way for him to say it that explained it as well hehe

At 12:18 tomorrow morning,  
                  tangled in these salty sheets,  
                                    I brought the soap  
                                                      and you the  
shampoo  
                  { we smell just like each other. _}_

 

Mock examinations made Donghyuck feel like he was suffocating. He couldn’t escape the crushing feeling of his future hanging over him, even though the mocks didn’t technically count for his university entrance. He spent most of his time studying, staying up far too late and reading through notes on the bus in the mornings. He ran on coffee and red bull, recording all his classes on his phone to listen to again later. Renjun had taken to packing a lunch for him, because Donghyuck often forgot to eat when he was like this. Jeno was constantly giving him worried glances, reaching a hand out to touch his forehead whenever his blinking slowed down at break times. Jaemin kept slipping him bars of chocolate, insisting it was good for energy and mood. Mark had taken to having one hand on him at all times; his hip or his thigh or his forearm or the back of his neck. Donghyuck leant into the touch, allowing Mark to drain him just a little.

He had thought that the world would fall apart after he realised he was in love with Mark, but it was the opposite. Once he had accepted it, once he went home and said it to himself in the mirror, things got easier. He felt like he could let his breath out and act normally around Mark, not like he was about to break something so delicate he couldn’t see it. He felt more comfortable and more at home in his own skin, which had previously crawled in Mark’s presence. He allowed himself to lean into Mark’s side and return the touches, drumming fingers on Mark’s inner thigh.

Mark turned eighteen shortly before Jaemin turned seventeen. They had a joint birthday celebration somewhere in the middle, taking everyone into the city for dinner. It was nice, and Donghyuck felt oddly grown up in the fancy restaurant on the water front. Whenever he started to feel uncomfortable, he rested his knee against Mark’s and Mark curled his hand around Donghyuck’s leg, just above the knee.

A week later, while Donghyuck was trying not to cry as he waited for his mum to pick him up after his final mock, Mark called. Donghyuck took a deep breath, checking the car park around him before answering.

“Hey.”

“I passed my full.” He could hear the grin in Mark’s voice.

Donghyuck forced a smile on his own face. “That’s so great, Minhyung. I’m proud of you.”

“Hey, are you okay?”

Donghyuck’s throat constricted and he fell to sit down on the bench. “Yeah, just finished my mocks.”

“Are you not feeling great about them?”

“Not really.” He decided not to disclose his plans to cry in his mother’s arms for ten minutes over the centre console. “I’ll get over it though. At least now I can sleep.”

Mark hummed as if he was stalling. “I was gonna ask if you wanted to go on a road trip.”

Donghyuck frowned. “It’s August. And I think the others still have some exams to sit –”

“No, I meant just the two of us. You know like, drive up to your aunt’s bach? I doubt anyone will be at the beach this time of the year and it might be nice to just get away from things for a couple days. I think we both need that right now.”

Donghyuck swallowed. “I’ll ask my mum.”

“Perfect! And hey, if you need a fat sob I’m always here to kiss it better. Kiss you better, I mean. Uh, you get it, right?”

Despite himself, Donghyuck smiled at how flustered Mark got when he tripped over his words. “Yeah, I get you.”

“Sick. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay? Get some sleep, Hyuckie.”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “Yeah okay grandpa.”

A moment’s pause, and then; “I love you.”

And it was only platonic. Donghyuck knew that it was strictly as a friend and that it would never be anything more than just as a friend. But his heart still sped up and he still felt his fingertips dampen against the plastic of his phone case.

“I love you too, Minhyung.”

 

After some discussion with his mother, Donghyuck had been granted permission to go away with Mark for a couple of nights. He packed his bag with warm sweaters and denim shorts, wanting the comfort of having his legs out. He checked the weather forecast anyway, and it was supposed to be sunny. Mark met him at the top of the driveway, face bare and open and so bright that Donghyuck had to avert his eyes.

The thought of sharing a house with Mark for a few days was both daunting and exciting. It would be just the two of them – not something that was out of the ordinary. But the intimacy of being just the two of them inhabiting the same space and cooking food together and being domestic had Donghyuck’s skin tingling. Somewhere on the norther motorway Donghyuck placed a hand on Mark’s thigh. It wasn’t a suggestion or an offer, just a simple gesture to say _I’m here_.

They listened to a playlist of early two-thousands music and screamed at the top of their lungs before listening to _Primadonna Girl_ on repeat for half an hour. Mark insisted they listen to ABBA, saying that Donghyuck wasn’t a real gay if he didn’t at least know the words to the _Mamma Mia_ soundtrack. Donghyuck found he knew all the words to all the songs they listened to. They continued this cycle of easy, light hearted music, and Donghyuck thought distantly that it was a nice break from Purity Ring. Mark put on some C-Pop that he mumbled the words to, and Donghyuck didn’t know the language well enough to know if he was pronouncing it right.

They did a quick supermarket shop; only enough for two dinners, deciding to get fish and chips and go up to the art gallery restaurant for one lunch. There was something almost magical and entirely liminal about browsing a supermarket with Mark Lee at seven o’clock in the evening with their elbows linked and the trolley half full in front of them.

When they got up to the bach finally and late at night. The hard wood floor was cold even through Donghyuck’s socks, and he could still smell the takeaways they’d gotten on his clothes. Mark carried their bags in and Donghyuck brought in the food, putting them in the fridge and feeling nostalgic. Mark paused by the edge of the open plan kitchen, their two bags slung over his shoulders.

“What room do you want?”

Donghyuck waved a hand as he checked the expiration date on a bottle of milk. “Whatever room you don’t want.” He turned around to put the expired milk in the bin and saw Mark staring at him. “What?”

Mark shrugged. “I thought we would share.”

“Oh.” Donghyuck dropped the milk in the bin with a thud. “Yeah okay. You choose, I don’t mind.”

Mark nodded and turned around. Donghyuck watched him go into the master bedroom at the front – the one with the beach view. He smiled to himself, feeling the blossoming in his chest that was becoming more and more familiar.

The first night was uneventful. They watched a movie on Mark’s laptop, Donghyuck cushioning his head against Mark’s chest and throwing an arm over his torso. They shared a brief kiss before falling asleep, legs tangled and bodies twisted together. They pulled the duvet in around the edges of each other to keep the chill out of the bed and Mark drew shapes on Donghyuck’s skin.

 

They ventured down to the beach the second day, walking barefoot in the sand with their fingers twined and swinging between them. It was too cold to go swimming, really, but they still dared each other to go into the water, dragging one another down to become fully submerged. After Mark had stopped shrieking, Donghyuck pulled him down for a kiss in the shallows as the residue of waves sloshed around them. Mark was happy to comply, hovering above him and dripping salt water onto Donghyuck’s forehead.

They shivered on the walk back up to the bach, but by the time they reached the top of the steep driveway they were sweating profusely and heaving their breaths. They raced each other to the bathroom, both of them wanting to get in the shower and get warm again. After wrestling over the door handle, Mark sighed and stepped between Donghyuck and the door.

“We make out regularly.”

Donghyuck froze, feeling heat in his neck. “Yeah?”

“We should be able to shower together. In our shorts, obviously.” Mark was blushing too and he dragged a hand across the back of his neck in the way that made Donghyuck’s chest swell. “Not anything weird, right? Like we used to do it as kids and it just seems like the easiest option rather than fight over it.”

Donghyuck tried to assess the situation as well he could. He would keep his shorts on, and it’d be one way to get the salt out of his clothes. He’d been in a small space with Mark before plenty of times. With a sigh, he nodded.

“Yeah whatever. Now get out of the way, I’m freezing.”

Mark’s smile was infectious as they finally entered the bathroom together and Donghyuck leant into the shower to warm up the water. Mark struggled to get his wet shirt over his head and Donghyuck laughed as he helped him detangle himself.

“Why didn’t you just undo the buttons?” Donghyuck asked, Mark panting in front of him.

“Yeah, that probably would’ve been better.”

Donghyuck snorted as he easily slipped his shirt off his torso as well. He was glad to be out of it, but his shivering got a lot worse as he had more skin exposed to the cold air. Mark stepped forward and wrapped his arms around him, guiding him into the shower and adjusting the tap to a tolerable heat. For the first five minutes they just hugged under the warm stream of water, feeling less and less sticky with salt. Donghyuck closed his eyes to avoid getting water in them and simply allowed himself to lean into Mark’s hold. After a while, Mark peeled himself away from Donghyuck and Donghyuck found himself whining at the loss of heat. Mark simply rolled his eyes, picking up the bottle of shampoo he’d brought and squeezing some into his hand before passing it to Donghyuck. They washed themselves in silence, mostly avoiding eye contact, but it wasn’t awkward at all. Donghyuck was happy to watch the curve of Mark’s back out of the corner of his eye.

Mark got out first, turning his back and hiding himself behind a towel as he dropped his shorts and slipped out of the bathroom. Not that he needed to; Donghyuck turned his back as well.

Donghyuck took off his own shorts and washed his body down with the body wash he’d brought from his bathroom at home, then sat down on the floor of the shower and allowed it to rinse off on its own. Mark’s shampoo was clinging to his hair, tainting it with a scent that was distinctly _Mark_. He thought about how they smelled like a combination of the two of them – Mark’s signature shampoo and Donghyuck’s signature body wash. Donghyuck never thought that lavender and watermelon would go well together, but he found the he enjoyed the smell thoroughly.

The smell stuck to them as they cooked dinner together, clad in each other’s hoodies for a laugh and bumping each other lightly as they navigated the kitchen. Mark tidied up after Donghyuck, who was a better cook but not nearly as tidy. They ate on bean bags in the living room, watching the full moon rising above the bay and reflect on the water as it broke along the shore. Mark rinsed their plates when they finished eating the pasta dish and put them in the dish washer before setting it going.

They slipped into bed together, Mark moving quickly to pull Donghyuck on top of him and attaching their lips. It was slow and paced, allowing Donghyuck to melt into Mark’s frame, planting his hands on Mark’s shoulders as Mark wrapped his arms around Donghyuck’s waist. After a while, Donghyuck pulled away, opting instead to press his cheek to Mark’s chest. Mark moved a hand to file his fingers through his hair.

“I’m gonna graduate in a few months.”

Donghyuck froze under Mark’s touch. “Shit, you are. Have you applied to uni yet?”

“Yeah, I got into AUT for psychology, I just need to pass my exams which is piss easy in level three.”

Donghyuck nodded his head against Mark’s skin. He shuffled around a bit until Mark parted his legs and Donghyuck was able to lie between them.

“I can’t wait for level three, year twelve is kicking my ass.”

Mark chuckled and pressed a kiss to the top of Donghyuck’s head. “You’ll do fine, superstar. You always do.”

Donghyuck preened under the compliment. “I know. You will too, though. You’ve already been accepted and everything.”

Mark let out a sigh, rubbing his fingertips up and down Donghyuck’s spine. “Thanks.” He let out a yawn. “Shit, I’m exhausted. Hyuckie?”

“Yeah?”

“You know I love you, right?”

Donghyuck’s heart sped up again and he hoped Mark couldn’t feel it where their chests were pressed together. “Yeah.”

“Okay. So can you please get off? I can’t sleep on my back.”

Donghyuck laughed, but he rolled off and onto his side, facing away from Mark so that he could slot himself in behind Donghyuck. “Pussy.”

Mark whined into the back of his neck. “Fuck off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy this last little bit before the angst sets in oop !


	12. Chapter 12

It’s 12:18 tomorrow morning  
                                     words are escaping me  
funny how they do that  
                                                      around you.  
You ask me what I want but  
                                                          I don’t know.  
                  Something.  
                                          Anything.  
Although,  
                      maybe I do  
                                    { you’re doing it right now. _}  
_                   Staying with me.

 

Donghyuck passed all of his mock exams, just as everyone had assured him he would. Whereas in some subjects he didn’t do as well as he had hoped, in others he got top marks, so in the end it balanced out.

Mark did so well on his exams that Auckland University of Technology said they wouldn’t need to see his final exam results; he was already accepted and could start the following February. The five of them had gathered at Jeno’s house with drinks to celebrate. Donghyuck ended up tangled in Mark’s bedsheets, drowsy and happy and only slightly buzzed as he snuggled into Mark’s side.

Jaemin’s marks left a little to be desired, and Jeno started to get worried about him, calling Donghyuck after every time they hung out and droning on about how Jaemin had to get his shit together. Sometimes he would ask about Mark, and about what he was to Donghyuck and what their relationship was. Donghyuck always shrugged, despite the fact that Jeno couldn’t see him, and said it didn’t mean anything too serious. They were just good friends who liked to make out sometimes.

Jeno huffed. “If by sometimes you mean every chance you get, then sure.”

Donghyuck frowned. “Leave me alone, I’m not getting interest from anyone else.”

“Didn’t Michael Bamford ask you out like two weeks ago?”

There was a pause, and Donghyuck knew that Jeno knew he’d got him.

“Okay good talk Jeno, see you tomorrow.”

He hung up before Jeno had the chance to continue the conversation, and instead stared up at his bedroom ceiling. He drummed his fingers on his stomach, wondering what the implications of this meant. Obviously, he knew that he himself was in love with Mark, that much was clear to him. But then he started to think about why it was _only_ making out. Why Mark hadn’t tried to go further, or even stopped kissing him altogether. He frowned, not wanting to come to terms with the fact that he was nothing more than a convenience to Mark. Tears started to burn hot in his eyes, and he turned over onto his stomach, face down in a pillow while he started to sniffle.

There was a soft knock on the door and Donghyuck sniffed deeply before answering.

“Who is it?”

“Me.” Taeyong’s voice was soft and only made Donghyuck cry harder. “You okay?”

Donghyuck suppressed a particularly harsh sob. “Obviously not.”

The door opened and Taeyong stepped into the room. Donghyuck had left the light off, and the sliver that came in from the hall outside his room made him wince. Taeyong shut the door quietly and walked around to lower himself to sit next to Donghyuck. Immediately, his hand was in Donghyuck’s hair, smoothing it back from his face and tucking it behind his ear.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No,” Donghyuck said miserably into the pillow.

Growing up on a farm had done wonders for Taeyong’s upper strength; pulling Donghyuck into his lap was an easy feat compared to pulling out fence posts. Donghyuck hiccupped a little into Taeyong’s chest, allowing himself to be swaddled. Taeyong rocked him gently, the same way their mother had when they were younger, still stroking his hair and humming _See Saw Marjorie Daw_. Donghyuck felt warm and small and comfortable, and eventually after several reprises of the nursery rhyme he was able to lift his head. in the dark, Taeyong placed a hand on each of Donghyuck’s cheeks and wiped away the dampness.

“What’s wrong, Hyuckie?”

Donghyuck let out a deep sigh and shut his eyes. “Mark.”

Taeyong’s hands twitched either side of his face. “Did he hurt you?”

“No, no it’s not like that, I just,” Donghyuck sighed again, “I don’t think he loves me back.”

“Oh. Oh, Hyuckie I’m so sorry.” Taeyong hugged him closer, his hands shaking against Donghyuck’s back, probably with anger despite it not being Mark’s fault. “That’s so shit.”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck laughed into Taeyong’s neck. “Yeah it hurts.”

“If you need me to do anything I’m always here, you know that, right? Even if I’m at the flat I’ll be out here as soon as you need me.”

“Thanks, I should be fine, though. I just have to get over it.”

“That’s easier said than done, Hyuckie.”

“I know I just, don’t know what else to do. I can’t just fall out of love with him, you know?”

“God I feel that.” Taeyong thought for a moment. “How about you take the day off school tomorrow? I’ll tell Mum I’m driving you in and we can just hang out and watch movies or something.”

Donghyuck gripped onto Taeyong’s shirt and curled up into a tighter ball. “I love you so much.”

“Love you too.”

 

Kissing Mark after that seemed wrong, somehow. Like Donghyuck was taking something that wasn’t his to take. Mark felt prohibited and off limits, and he started flinching any time Mark touched him. Mark didn’t seem to notice, or if he did, he didn’t give any signs that it bothered him. He still kissed with just as much passion as usual, still rested his hand on Donghyuck’s thighs whenever they ate lunch.

Despite this, Donghyuck didn’t want to call it off. He allowed Mark to pull him into his lap, wrap his arms around Donghyuck’s waist and rest his chin on Donghyuck’s shoulder. He allowed him to pull him aside whenever the five of them got together, bruising his lips and making Donghyuck’s head spin. Still let Mark’s hands roam hot over his skin, lips travelling down to his neck as he whispered praises against his skin.

Mark’s family moved back, both his parents and his older brother. Donghyuck couldn’t remember much of James other than he was a lot older than them and a bit aloof, which was still true as he was almost never around whenever they went to Mark’s house. Going there felt strange, seeing as Mark hadn’t existed in it since they were little. Donghyuck still had memories for every part of the house, and it felt more than a bit weird to kiss Mark in the bed in his old room where they used to play with a doll house that still lay dusty in the corner.

There was an awkward period of time after final exams had finished and before Christmas, when they all wanted to let go of their stress over school but still had to wait a month before results came out. Mark and Renjun were preparing to graduate, figuring out suits and shoes and what not. Mark invited Donghyuck to go with him to the ceremony, and Donghyuck had scavenged for jobs to do around the house to save up the money for a ticket. He pushed down the feeling that something good he had was finally about to end and tried to be proud of his friends. Pushed down the feeling that school wasn’t going to be the same without Mark and Renjun. That he was going to be a third wheel for his entire final year of secondary college.

Things came to a head a week before the graduation ceremony, when Mark had driven out to stay the night at Donghyuck’s. It was just the two of them, which had grown more and more frequent as the year drew to a close. Taeyong was home for a few days, missing having dinner cooked for him and wanting to get some fresh air. He started daggers at Mark over the table top, knuckles white on his cutlery despite Donghyuck’s pleading looks. After dinner, they slipped into bed together and watched a movie that quickly turned into making out, Mark blindly reaching to shut the laptop and push it to the side of the bed as he pulled Donghyuck on top of him.

Donghyuck was straddling his hips, hands braced on Mark’s shoulders as Mark ran his hands up and down Donghyuck’s sides, fingertips pushing past the hem of his shirt to run across his bare skin. It was starting to get hot again, summer having a rebirth and making the hair heavy and humid, although with Mark’s lips against his own, Donghyuck found it hard to tell. The only thing he was truly certain of was the feeling of Mark’s skin against his, the way it felt like they were melding together comfortably, his body reshaping itself to fit into Mark’s.

Donghyuck was woken in the morning by the sound of his laptop hitting the floor. He swore under his breath, rolling away from Mark’s hold on him and checking to see if the screen had broken. Upon finding it hadn’t, he pushed it under his bed and turned over to see Mark looking at him, eyes still drooping with sleep. He gave Donghyuck a dopey smile and reached a hand out from under the duvet to cup Donghyuck’s cheek.

“You’re so beautiful Hyuck.”

Donghyuck’s breath hitched at the words, but he shuffled closer on the bed and moved a hand to rest on Mark’s waist. His voice came out in a whisper. “So are you, golden boy.”

Mark huffed a laugh and leant forward to kiss Donghyuck; nothing more than a simple press of lips. There was no movement, but the simple gesture set Donghyuck alight and he willed himself not to feel any love from it. When Mark pulled back, he was frowning. He rested his forehead against Donghyuck’s and slid his hand back into his hair, tugging half-heartedly at the strands at the back of his head.

“Hyuck,” his voice was barely there, the only sign of it the ghost of his words across Donghyuck’s lips, “what are we?”

It was a little awkwardly worded, and Donghyuck would have laughed. He would have laughed if his heart wasn’t in the way. Would have laughed if his life wasn’t falling apart, if Mark wasn’t pinning him down under his gaze, under his hand despite his grip being so weak in his fatigue. Donghyuck blinked and dislodged a tear so he quickly moved his head to let it be absorbed by the pillow. He shrugged and Mark bit his lip.

“I mean like, what do you want from this?”

But Donghyuck was rendered speechless. How could he say what he wanted; that he wanted Mark to keep doing what he was already doing but just that he wanted Mark to _love_ him while he did it. That he wanted Mark to tell him he loved him and for it to mean more than just “I’ve known you since forever”. How could he ever put that into words that wouldn’t make his cheeks burn with shame, hot and humiliated and so red that he would forget the tone of his skin.

How could he explain to Mark that what he wanted from this was a relationship, when the shift that dynamic would require seemed so minute that it was almost unnoticeable. That he almost couldn’t see it. That he felt like it would have happened naturally if it hadn’t already, that it would go without them realising. That one day they would wake up and be in a relationship anyway. That this felt inherently wrong because it wasn’t how Donghyuck had seen it going in his mind whenever he imagined it.

He held his breath, watched Mark shut his eyes and brace himself for something. Donghyuck didn’t know what Mark wanted him to give to him, so instead he said the thing that seemed most important.

“I don’t want anything. I like how we are now.”

Mark recoiled from him, retracting his hand. “What do you mean?” Donghyuck only shrugged and Mark frowned. “You don’t want me?”

Donghyuck’s eyes went wide and he shook his head. “No, Mark, that’s not what I meant –”

“What did you mean?” Mark said, voice shaking and Donghyuck realised he was holding back tears.

He shrugged. “I just, I don’t know. Things are fine now.”

“But,” Mark started, but he bit hard into his bottom lip. He took what was probably supposed to be a steadying breath and sat up, the duvet falling away from his chest as he clambered out of bed. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck sat up and watched as Mark collected his things, stuffing them into the overnight bag he’d brought with him. “Why not? It’s been so alright so far.”

Mark froze, facing away from him. He sniffed and dragged a hand across his face. “Someone’s going to fall in love and ruin everything.” He pulled on his hoodie and stuffed his feet into his sneakers. “I’m sorry, Hyuck.”

He didn’t look at Donghyuck before he left, and Donghyuck sat still in bed, not daring to breathe as he heard Mark start his car and head up the drive way. After he couldn’t hold his breath any longer, he started to breath shallowly, not wanting to disturb the air around him, feeling it too heavy on his chest. His cheek was still warm from where Mark’s wrist had been pressed against it. Eventually, he let out a sob, pulling his knees to his chest as he tried to make himself as small as possible.

When he had the energy, he dragged himself out of bed and upstairs, knocking gently on Taeyong’s bedroom door. Taeyong groaned and Donghyuck took it to mean he was still asleep, but he desperately needed a hug. He slipped inside and swallowed down his tears as he walked up to Taeyong’s bed, the smell of his room clean and comforting. Taeyong rolled over and slowly cracked his eyes open, sitting up quickly when he saw Donghyuck’s face.

“Jesus Christ, Hyuckie, what happened?” he reached his arms out and pulled Donghyuck down into bed with him, immediately winding himself around Donghyuck as he simply sobbed into his chest.

“I’m a fucking coward, Yong. I fucked up so bad and it hurts so fucking bad.” Donghyuck could barely make sense of himself through the sobs that racked through his body.

“Shh, just take a moment, get it out and then you can talk.”

Donghyuck was eternally grateful to Taeyong as he simply held him through it all; for how long Donghyuck had no idea. But Taeyong was a rock throughout it all, rubbing a soothing hand up his back and waiting patiently, not even complaining about being woken up.

Donghyuck swore under his breath and sniffed hard as he lifted his head. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Yong.”

Taeyong wiped under his eye with a thumb. “Stop, you’re going to set yourself off again.”

Donghyuck nodded and took a deep breath. “I made him leave.”

Taeyong frowned. “What do you mean?”

Donghyuck felt like his bones had dissolved as he leant against Taeyong further than he had before. Taeyong lay down, allowing Donghyuck to curl up at his side.

“He asked me what I wanted and I didn’t know, so I just said I liked what we already had, and then,” he felt tears building up again but kept talking through it, throat threatening to close up at any moment, “and he said we should stop then because someone was going to fall in love and ruin things. I fucked it all up, Yong. I ruined it.”

“Hyuckie, I’m so sorry,” Taeyong’s voice was mollifying and he pressed a kiss to Donghyuck’s head. “That’s such a dick move, I’m so sorry he said that to you.”

“Then he packed his bag and left without saying goodbye.”

“Asshole. God, no one gets to treat you like that.” Taeyong’s arms tightened around him. “I’m so sorry.”

Donghyuck shrugged. “’S no one’s fault but mine. God I feel like a fucking idiot. I should’ve never kissed him.”

Taeyong tensed beside him – he’d never disclosed exactly what his relationship with Mark was – but he ultimately decided not to question him about it. “I wish I knew how to stop it hurting. I’m sorry I can’t do more.”

“It’s okay, you give good hugs.”

Taeyong drove him into the village later that day to buy junk food and they spent the rest of the time in the old play room going through their old toys as a way to distract Donghyuck. They made their way through two litres of cookies and cream and a few photo albums before their mother joined them, pressing a kiss to Donghyuck’s temple and not prying as to why his eyes were red. He changed his bed sheets, not wanting any trace of Mark to be left on them. During the day, things were all fine and good, but when it came time to fall asleep, Donghyuck couldn’t help sobbing into his pillow case.

Donghyuck still went to the graduation ceremony the next week, but he and Mark spent almost the whole night ignoring each other until photos, and even then they were on opposite sides of the line-up. Instead, he busied himself by talking to Jeno and Jaemin about their subjects for the next school year and their summer plans. Renjun was giving him odd looks, and Jeno had clearly heard about things from Mark as he seemed pretty unhappy with Donghyuck, but he pointedly ignored the warning signs throughout the night.

Donghyuck had arranged to stay the night at Jaemin’s house after the ceremony, his father having dropped him off earlier. What he didn’t realise, however, was that he would have to share a car with Mark. He sat in the backseat, directly behind Mark and looked out of the window, not wanting to chance making eye contact with him in the rear view mirror. Mark dropped Jeno off first, who turned around to kiss Jaemin goodbye, then they drove around to Jaemin’s house. Jaemin got out quickly, Donghyuck wanting to follow suit as he scooted across the back seat.

“Wait, Hyuck?”

Hyuck felt bile burn at his insides and he didn’t dare look at Mark. “Yeah?”

There was a hesitation and Donghyuck braced himself for the worst.

“I’m sorry things turned out like this. I’ll miss you.”

Donghyuck simply grabbed for his bag. “I’m sorry too, Minhyung.”

He got out of the car and went to the spare room immediately, telling Jaemin that he was too tired to watch a movie. He tried to keep quiet as he cried that night, but was certain that Jaemin would still be able to hear him.

He didn’t see Mark for the rest of the summer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe  
> also if this has typos in it please let me know lol


	13. Chapter 13

At 12:18 tomorrow morning  
                                    I reviewed the photos  
                  { the museum and art gallery. _}  
_ No more you & I  
                                    for the best, really.  
                  I saw your mum at the  
supermarket  
                  { we cried in the fruit aisle. _}_

 

I’ve become so lonely  
                  so empty  
                                    especially at this time  
                  { 12:18 tomorrow morning. _}  
_ I feel so far away  
                                    from everyone  
                                                                        even my  
                                    best friends  
                  { I think I just want to be held. _}_  
God, I feel so pathetic.

 

It’s 12:18 tomorrow morning  
             I’m not sure that I love you  
                                                  anymore  
             { but did you ever love me? _}_  
So much has changed these  
             past few weeks  
neither of us are quite the same.

 

Dealing with Mark’s absence was much easier to do when Donghyuck was younger and his memories were fading fast. He had other friends at school, other people to distract him with, and in his young age he didn’t understand what Mark living in another country meant. He didn’t have the capacity to ache for him like he did after his graduation.

There were pieces of Mark everywhere Donghyuck looked; the clear gap he’d left was startling and the hot, heavy air around him was suffocating. The feeling of not being able to text Mark and just meet up, of not being able to kiss Mark again, of not being able to even just spend time with his best friend threatened to turn his insides out.

He isolated himself from the others, knowing that he would just ruin any time they spent time together. Renjun still made efforts to get him out of the house, but it seemed as though Jeno had taken Mark’s side and Jaemin had followed suit. It hurt Donghyuck, to think that he had driven all of his friends away, and he regretted not spending more time with at least Renjun before he moved down to Otago for university. He wanted to go to the leaving party, but Mark was going to be there as well so he skipped on it and instead had Renjun over to stay the night one last time.

They walked down to the swimming hole they used to play in as children, where the water had gone over their heads and the farm dogs had swum around them in circles. They set down towels on the grassy bank and lay in the water on their backs, enjoying how cold the fresh water was with no heating in it and the sun dappled on their faces through the trees. Donghyuck tried not to let his mind wander too much, but it was hard to ignore the aching of his heart. Renjun waded over to him and frowned.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it –”

Donghyuck cut him off with a groan, slipping his eyes shut. “I really don’t, Injun.”

“Don’t interrupt me. You need to talk about it. I hate seeing you all pathetic like this, it’s not like you to be so quiet.” He flicked some water up onto Donghyuck’s stomach. “I miss my big mouth Gemini.”

Donghyuck sighed, not seeing a way out of the conversation. “Fine. But let’s go up on the bank, I’m not giving you the upper hand with all this water.”

“What, you think I’m gonna drown you?”

Donghyuck stood up and made for the bank. “I wouldn’t put it past you.”

They lay down on their towels, Donghyuck throwing a hand over his eyes to shield them from the sun as it was more direct away from the trees. Renjun lay on his side to face Donghyuck and Donghyuck could see his frown even in his periphery.

“What happened, Hyuck?”

Donghyuck shut his eyes, finding it easier to talk if he didn’t have to make eye contact with Renjun. “He asked what I wanted and I said I wanted this,” he gestured vaguely, “and he got up and left. Said someone was gonna fall in love and ruin everything. Which was true, I suppose I did.”

“Wait, you were in love with him?”

Donghyuck shrugged. “I still am, I guess. Otherwise I wouldn’t feel like shit.”

“Fuck. I didn’t know that.”

“I never told you, so that’s understandable.”

“How long?”

Donghyuck tried to remember. It was hard to put a finger on exactly when he had fallen in love with Mark, so he settled on when he realised he had. “That time we all went ice skating?”

“Shit. Hyuck, I’m so sorry.”

“Not your fault he doesn’t love me back.” Donghyuck turned his head and opened his eyes to see Renjun was on the edge of tears. “Don’t cry, Injun, please don’t cry over me being a pathetic faggot.”

Renjun reached out his hand and Donghyuck took it. “Quit trying to make a joke out of this, Jesus.”

“Sorry.” Donghyuck bit his lip and turned onto his side. “I think Jeno’s mad at me or something. He’s definitely taken Mark’s side, which means so has Jaemin.” He felt tears prickle behind his eyes. “Fuck, Renjun I’m gonna miss you so much.”

Renjun wriggled over so that he was lying next to Donghyuck, pulling him in for a hug. “I’m going to come back during holidays, you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“How am I supposed to survive school without you? I’m going to have to third wheel for the whole year.”

“You never know, they could break up and spare you the pain.”

“That’d be worse,” Donghyuck mumbled into Renjun’s skin, feeling it wet from his own tears. “It’s not going to be the same without you.”

“When did this talk become about me? We’re supposed to be dissecting your relationship with Mark right now.”

“Fuck I know.” Donghyuck pulled back from the hug and Renjun shuffled onto his towel, the two of them facing each other with their fingers threaded between them. “I’m so mad at myself for driving him away. I miss him so much.”

“It’s not your fault, he’s the one who decided to leave. I’ll have to have a word with him at some point. But you’re so strong, Hyuck. You’ll get through this like you’ve gotten through everything in your life before.”

“I know, it just feels like shit right now.”

Renjun huffed a light laugh. “Yeah, it sucks.”

They lay together, talking about how hurt Donghyuck felt and how Renjun was mad at Mark and sad that he had to leave Donghyuck in just a few days.

School started up again, and it took a few weeks before Jeno treated Donghyuck like a friend again, which hurt. Jaemin had no problem with him from the start, still inviting Donghyuck to hang out with them any chance he could. But nothing changed the fact that Donghyuck wasn’t a part of their relationship, and that hurt as well. He made friends with some other kids in their year; Heejin who was in his drama class and helped him with his lines and partnered with him for all their performances; Hyunjin who was the most opinionated student in his media studies class; and Sanha who sat in the back of his English Literature class and made comments under his breath about the content.

He filled the gaps that Mark had left, the spaces that Mark had taken with him. The things that Mark had stolen from him when he drove away that morning in between exams and Christmas. He started to mend and heal, although he never truly got over things. There was always a small part of him that yearned for Mark, when he woke up in the middle of the night and just wanted to be held by someone. When he couldn’t fall asleep and climbed up onto the roof with a blanket and a pillow and his soft toy his great aunt had given him when he was a month old. When he saw Mark’s mother in the fruit aisle of the supermarket and ran to the other end down in the dairy section, trying to avoid any reminders of him. It was a long and painful process, but it was necessary for him to be able to move on from what happened. And by the time he was walking across the stage at his own graduation, an empty seat at his table another clear indication of Mark’s absence, it didn’t hurt him nearly as much as he thought it would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the heavy angst i promise skjdfhgs  
> also i might take a short break from this fic (only a short break!) to write a side story about Mark's first year at uni and what he gets up to in the aftermath of their falling out so if you're interested in that let me know !!


	14. Chapter 14

At 12:18 tomorrow morning I thought  
                        my body parts must all  
           smell different.  
                                                            My legs

                                          are                  your  
                              favourite fruit  
my arms                 are like a garden  
                              my hands  
                                          must be delicious  
                 { you keep putting my fingers  
                                                             in  
                                                       your mouth. _}_  
                              My neck and my lashes  
                smell like a violet sky.

 

The plan was: Jaemin and Donghyuck would help Jeno move his stuff into the Akoranga student village on the North Shore campus of AUT, then Jaemin would drive them to Mount Street at central and he and Jeno would help Donghyuck move into the student flats there. Moving Jeno in didn’t take too long, he didn’t feel the need to take too much with him because his parents’ house was only a bus ride away. Donghyuck, however, took everything in his room but his furniture.

He’d convinced his parents that since Taeyong got a large room in his first year, he should get one too, even if it had gotten significantly more expensive. Jeno and Jaemin waited in the car, (made out in the car), while Donghyuck went in and met his resident assistant, a tall boy in his second year called Lucas. He was loud and funny and helped show Donghyuck his new room and introduce him to his flatmates.

Lucas hung around while Jeno and Jaemin started bringing Donghyuck’s things up in a shopping trolley.

“I’m on Facebook so if you need anything just shoot me a message, I’ll probably make a group chat for your floor.” He said, handing Donghyuck his phone with Facebook open.

“Thanks,” Donghyuck said, putting in his name and adding himself. They had a couple of mutual friends, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary – most people did in Auckland. “I’ll bare it in mind.”

Lucas beamed at him, and Donghyuck noted that his neck was starting to get sore from having to look up at him so much. Jeno poked his head around the corner of the hallway and pulled Donghyuck’s attention away from Lucas.

“That was the last of it, do you want us to help unpack?”

As Donghyuck replied, he heard the front door of the flat open behind him and someone start talking to Lucas. “Yeah if that’s okay, don’t feel like you have to stick around though.”

But Jeno wasn’t looking at him, he was looking past him, over Donghyuck’s shoulder to the front door. Donghyuck frowned, realising that the whole room had gone dead quiet. He pivoted on the ball of his foot and came face to face with Mark.

The first thing Donghyuck noticed was that his hair was black. Black and straight against his scalp, a perfect contrast to the blond mop of curls he’d had a year ago when Donghyuck last saw him. It made him look more grown up; more mature in a way that made Donghyuck’s heart clench. He was wearing the same lanyard as Lucas, telling Donghyuck that he was also an RA. His mouth was opening and closing, making him look like a fish.

Donghyuck willed down the lump in his throat. “Hi Mark.”

Lucas looked between the two of them. “You know him?” then he slapped a hand over his mouth. “Oh shit. _That_ Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck waited for something, _anything_ , from Mark, but when he stayed silent Donghyuck frowned.

“Well, if that’s all you have to offer, I have a suitcase to unpack.”

He turned around again, wishing his hair was longer so it would smack Mark in his dumb, expressionless face, and breezed past Jeno, who was equally slack jawed. He met Jaemin in the hallway, who was probably coming to see what was taking so long, but ignored his question and went straight to his room. He curled up on his side in the king single bed, hugging his knees to his chest and staring at a spot on the wall. He could hear Jeno and Mark talking, still out in the hallway, but he filtered them out, not wanting to know what Mark was saying about him. Jaemin slipped quietly into the room, sitting down next to the bed and placing a hand on Donghyuck’s knee.

“Is there anything I can do?”

Donghyuck shrugged, not wanting the unresolved emotions of the previous summer to wash over him.

Jaemin nodded, standing up and walking over to Donghyuck’s suitcase. He dragged it over to the wardrobe and started unpacking Donghyuck’s clothes.

“Thank you,” he whispered, voice hoarse with the effort if keeping in his tears.

“It’s okay, you’ve got enough to deal with. And I don’t think you should be alone for it.”

Jaemin continued unpacking Donghyuck’s clothes as Donghyuck wept into his pillows. Jeno came in at some point and made Donghyuck sit up so he could rub his shoulders, making Donghyuck relax considerably.

 

Over the course of year thirteen, Jeno and Donghyuck had slowly fit back together. Donghyuck suspected Jaemin had something to do with it, and it helped that one night Jaemin had bailed on them and left them to hash things out. Donghyuck had poured his heart out to Jeno, explaining that he had fallen in love with Mark and hadn’t meant to ruin things the way he did. As soon as Jeno saw him break down around the words, he’d softened, wrapping his arms around Donghyuck and murmuring apologies into his hair. Donghyuck had told him not to feel bad, that it was Donghyuck who had fucked up, that he was the one that ruined everything. Jeno just shook his head and told Donghyuck that he’d done nothing wrong, even though Donghyuck knew that wasn’t true.

Things got better after that, although it seemed like it had happened a beat too late, as they were going straight into their exams and had next to no time to spend together. Donghyuck knew that Jeno still talked to Mark regularly, that they were still close despite how badly Donghyuck had been hurt. He made peace with it.

 

Donghyuck knew that he was going to be rooming with Heejin from his drama class. They had gotten particularly close in the previous year and applied to be put in the same flat, and he was thankful for her over the course of their first two weeks. Lucas seemed to always want to corner him for a conversation that Donghyuck got the feeling that he didn’t want to have. He thankfully didn’t see Mark again, but he caught glimpses of him surrounded by friends and laughing. Heejin was always there to distract him.

One day she was lying on his bedroom floor, taking photos of herself as she preferred the lighting in there.

“When are you going to talk to him?” she said, propping herself up on one elbow.

Donghyuck turned to look at her from where he was on his bed. “Hopefully never. You remember he broke my heart, right? I’d rather not deal with that.”

She huffed, blowing up a strand of her hair. “You have to reconcile at some point. Don’t you miss him?”

Donghyuck looked back up at the ceiling. “So much my bones ache.”

Heejin scoffed. “Okay Sir Edgelord McGee.” She took another photo, this time of Donghyuck. “This photo would be cute if you didn’t look like you’ve never known happiness.”

Donghyuck flipped over onto his side. “Do you think I should talk to him?”

Heejin rolled her eyes. “I’ve been saying, Donghyuck. Talk to him.”

Donghyuck bit his lip. “Maybe I should ask Renjun.”

“He’ll tell you the same thing.” Donghyuck knew she was right. “You just don’t want to do it.”

“Get out of my room.”

She did, but not before planting a kiss on his cheek.

Donghyuck played around on his phone for a while, completing a Sudoku board before he finally dialled Renjun’s number.

When he answered, Renjun sounded out of breath. “Hey Hyuck.”

“Hey, are you okay? You sound winded.”

“Moving furniture. Sohye, I’m gonna take this, can you take the couch into the living room? Sorry, move in day.”

“That’s okay.”

“Speaking of, how’s the student flats?”

“Good, except Mark lives here too and is best friends with my RA.”

There was a pause, then the sound of Renjun collapsing onto what Donghyuck assumed was a bed. “Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you talked to him yet?”

Donghyuck worried his lip between his thumb and forefinger. “No. I’ve kinda been avoiding him for the past two weeks.”

“Wait, so you’ve seen him and said _nothing_?”

“Well, I said hi to him when he appeared in my flat, but he just kinda stared at me so I left. That was on the first day and since then there’s been nothing.”

“So find out from your RA where he lives and go fucking talk to him, dumbass.”

Donghyuck winced. “Wow, okay, don’t sugar coat it.”

Renjun let out a sigh. “Look, I’ve heard both of you whining over it for the past _year_ and neither of you have the closure that you want. Just talk to him, tell him what happened because while you’ve been feeling sorry for yourself, he’s had emotions too.”

This took Donghyuck aback. “You know I’m the one who had my heart broken, right?”

“You’re not the only one with feelings, Hyuck. Hate to break it to you.”

“What does that mean?”

“Not my place to say. You know whose place it is though?”

“I hate you so much.”

“You don’t mean that.” There was a loud thud on the other end. “Shit I think Sohye just dropped something, I’m gonna have to go. I love you though, please talk to him.”

“Love you too, Injun.”

Donghyuck spun his phone between his fingers for a few moments, stewing while he thought about what Renjun had said. About Mark having feelings, too. Part of him thought, fleetingly, that he had broken Mark’s heart too, but he shook his head and let his logic win over. But there was a tug in his stomach that made him type Lucas’ name into messenger and send him a message.

 

 **Donghyuck [12:37pm]** hey, do you know what apartment Mark Lee lives in?

 **Lucas [12:39pm]** yeah, 14B  
 **Lucas [12:40pm]** he’s not home right now but I can let you in until he is, his class finishes in like 5

 **[Donghyuck [12:41pm]** thank you, I’ll be up soon

 

Donghyuck swung himself out of bed and checked himself over in the mirror, his heart thumping hard in his chest. He put on some bronze eyeshadow and changed his shirt to something more flattering, then grabbed his phone and wallet and left the apartment.

Lucas opened the door with a solemn look on his face. “I want you to know I’m doing this for him, not you. I’m his friend before I’m your RA.”

Donghyuck nodded, even if he didn’t understand what Lucas meant. “Where’s his room?”

Lucas showed him down the hall, and Donghyuck was relieved when Mark’s door was unlocked. Lucas left him, disappearing into a room further down the hall. Donghyuck took a deep breath and stepped into Mark’s room.

It was meticulously tidy, as Mark’s rooms always were. The ceilings were higher than in Donghyuck’s flat, seeing as Mark’s was on the top floor. He had a collection of potted cacti on his window sill, a tea light between each of the jars. He had clean white sheets on his bed, and his pin board was full of photos and notes and movie tickets. Donghyuck walked to the pin board, looking at the polaroids. Some were obviously from the previous year; he and Lucas with arms around each other at bars, he and a couple of girls who were kissing while Mark threw a thumbs up. Donghyuck smiled.

As he looked closer, he noticed that some of the photos were from Mark’s last year of college. Photos of him with Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin were pinned between ones with Mark and his new friends. There was one photo, from the night they all went ice skating, with all five of them, arms around each other. But over Donghyuck’s face was a strawberry sticker. And as Donghyuck looked at other photos, he noticed that every time he appeared, Mark had stuck a strawberry sticker over his face. Shame burned hot in Donghyuck’s face, but before he could turn around and leave, he heard Mark enter the flat.

“Yuk, you still home?”

Down the hall, Lucas yelled back. “Yeah, I’ll be ready in a minute.”

Donghyuck started to panic – they’d obviously had plans already. He was an idiot for thinking that Mark would put his life on hold for Donghyuck, that he wouldn’t have anything in the way. That Mark would just be sitting in his flat waiting for Donghyuck to come to him. But it was too late; Mark’s footsteps were getting closer and closer until the door handle turned and Mark stepped inside.

Just as he had the first day of move in, Mark froze. He had his backpack half off his shoulders, one shoe off as he stared at Donghyuck, mouth agape. Slowly, his bag fell off his arm, making a dull clunk sound as it hit the ground.

“Shit.” Mark took off his other shoe and picked up his bag, putting it on his desk and turning to look at Donghyuck with his hands on his hips. “Hi, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck crossed his arms. “He speaks.”

Mark swiped a hand over the back of his neck – a habit that still got to Donghyuck. “Yeah, sorry about the other day. It was just a shock, you know?”

“It was a shock for me too, Mark.”

Mark let out all the air in his lungs in one breath. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, patting the space next to him. Donghyuck walked over to the office chair and sat down, keeping his arms crossed as he spun it to face Mark. He took a moment to collect himself, forced himself not to look at how soft Mark’s bottom lip looked trapped between his teeth.

“We should talk about what happened. If we’re going to be basically living together.”

There was a soft knock on the door and Lucas poked his head in. “I’m gonna head out, text me if you want me to pick anything up for you.”

“Thanks.”

He shut the door behind him and Donghyuck turned back to Mark. “You two are cute together.”

Mark’s eyes went wide. “No, no we’re not – we’re not together. Anymore.”

Donghyuck raised an eyebrow. “Anymore?”

Mark rubbed his neck. “Yeah, we were for a while, but it didn’t work out.”

Donghyuck nodded. “Cute photos, by the way. The strawberries are a very nice touch.”

“That’s not fair,” Mark said, a blush creeping up his neck.

“If you hated seeing my face so much you shouldn’t have put them up in the first place.”

“It wasn’t that, Hyuck. It was never that.”

“Then what was it?” Donghyuck could feel his voice rising, but he felt like he couldn’t stop it. “What made you just cut me the fuck off like that?”

Mark frowned. “Why are you mad at me? You’re the one who said you didn’t want anything.”

Tears burned at Donghyuck’s eyes. “That’s not what I meant when I said that. You can’t blame me for you not wanting to stay and talk it out.”

“What was I supposed to think?” Mark was starting to tear up now, too. “You said you didn’t want anything, you didn’t want _me_.”

Donghyuck stood up suddenly and without meaning to. “That’s not what I meant, Mark! You put me on the spot and I didn’t know what the fuck to tell you!” He walked closer to Mark, at this point spitting venom in his words and yelling. “How was I supposed to tell you I was fucking in love with you? And then you went and said that I ruined everything and you _left_ me. How was _I_ supposed to feel? Knowing that you didn’t want me?”

Mark stood up too. “You really are stupid, Donghyuck, if you thought you were the only one who got feelings. It’s not my fault that you’re too blind to what other people feel because you’re so self-absorbed thinking about yourself.”

Donghyuck was fuming. “You must be stupid if you didn’t see that everything I did that year was for you. How I was always ready at a moment’s notice to come be the shoulder for you to cry on and for you to use to relieve your stress. You never cared about me, Mark. You only cared that I was a warm fucking body.”

“Donghyuck, I fucking loved you too!” Mark practically screamed, tears flowing freely down his face. “Why do you think I asked you what you wanted? I wanted _more_ , I wanted you to be _more_ than a friend who I made out with sometimes! And then you said you didn’t want it, that shit hurt.” He jabbed a finger in Donghyuck’s chest.

“How the fuck was I supposed to know? You never fucking told me anything!” Donghyuck’s version was going blurry. “You were too pathetic to ask me outright and made it so fucking vague what was I supposed to say?” He planted his hands on Mark’s chest and shoved him so hard he fell back onto the bed.

Both of them were crying, Mark’s eyes red as his chest rose and fell. Donghyuck could only assume that he looked the same, hoping that his eyeshadow wasn’t running down his face as well. As he looked down at Mark, the magnitude of what they had both said to each other hit Donghyuck hard and he let out a sob, clutching at his neck as he didn’t know what else to do.

When Mark spoke, his voice was a hoarse whisper. “Hyuck.”

It was all it took for Donghyuck to collapse on top of him, straddling Mark’s waist and pressing their lips together. Mark’s hands came up to frame Donghyuck’s face, thumbs swiping at his tears. He pulled away for a moment, leaving just a breath of space between their mouths.

“I’m so sorry, Hyuck I’m so sorry I didn’t mean those th –”

“Shut up,” Donghyuck said, and went back in for the kiss, this time with an open mouth.

Kissing Mark again for the first time in over a year felt like Donghyuck was finally coming home. The shape of his lips were so familiar and the feeling of his tongue pressed against Donghyuck’s was welcome. He had missed Mark so much, and it all washed over him at once as he pressed himself harder into Mark’s hold. Something about the kiss was sloppier than he remembered it being, it was more desperate and urgent, like the two of them were scared of the other disappearing. Donghyuck sat up a little, drawing a whine from Mark as he took off his shirt and started to tug at the hem of Mark’s. He took the hint and lifted his torso, allowing Donghyuck to drag the fabric over his skin. Before Donghyuck had a chance to explore Mark’s exposed skin, Mark sat up and attached his mouth to Donghyuck’s collar bone. One of his arms wound around Donghyuck’s waist while the other lay flat against Donghyuck’s chest.

Donghyuck was still crying, but it wasn’t in anger or sadness anymore. He couldn’t place the feeling he was experiencing, he thought it was probably because there were too many all at once. He let Mark pick him up and lie him down on the bed, moving his mouth farther down Donghyuck’s chest. Donghyuck thought he could probably figure out his emotions later and instead lost himself in the sensation of Mark’s hands and mouth.

 

By the time Lucas returned, Donghyuck was mostly dry eyed. He and Mark were lying in bed, under the covers with Mark’s chest against Donghyuck’s back. Their shirts were still discarded on the floor somewhere, the duvet pulled up to cover their bare chests. Donghyuck was tracing the moles on Mark’s forearm when there was a knock at the door.

Mark sat up a little. “Yeah?”

Lucas’ eyes widened when he saw the state they were in and he looked away. “Jesus, Mark. Could’ve given me some warning.”

Mark threw a cushion at him as Donghyuck giggled. “Fuck you nothing happened.”

“Right, and this room doesn’t reek of hormones. Anyway, Chan’s coming over to make dinner. Donghyuck, you’re welcome to join us.”

When he left, Mark settled back down against the pillows. Donghyuck turned over so that they were face to face, and he thought he’d never get tired of looking at Mark. He tangled their fingers together.

“Who’s Chan?”

Mark smiled, pressing his lips to the pads of Donghyuck’s fingers. “Lucas’ boyfriend. We all lived together last year.”

Donghyuck snorted. “Bit awkward.”

Mark shrugged one shoulder. “Not really. Will you stay for dinner?”

Donghyuck had promised Heejin he’d get dinner with her; she wanted to try out a new take away place up the road. But he thought she would understand.

“I’d love that, Minhyung.” 


	15. Chapter 15

It’s 12:18 tomorrow morning  
                  { afternoon? _}_  
                                    My face in your pillow  
                  your legs in my bed.

                                                       
This might be home.

 

It took a while for things to get back to normal – whatever normal was for Donghyuck and Mark. There were still holes left from the year they had spent apart, growth that they had to get used to. But the feelings that Donghyuck held for Mark hadn’t changed, and he thought that was most important. Mark met Heejin, who was dubious about how trustworthy he was, but approved by the end of the night.

In the end, they fit back together pretty well. They decided not to make anything official for a while, just while they learned about each other for the third time in their lives. There were things that Mark had been through in the past year that he told Donghyuck, specifically about the development of Mark’s relationship with Lucas – who Mark called Yukhei – and how they eventually figured it was for the best that they part ways.

“It’s funny,” Mark said, lying shirtless in Donghyuck’s bed. It was early in the morning and he had spent the night before. Their legs were tangled together, Donghyuck on his side as Mark wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Donghyuck had a hand on Mark’s sternum, feeling his heart beat beneath it as Mark had his hand behind his head.

“What is?” Donghyuck asked, pressing a kiss to Mark’s shoulder.

“We broke up because I realised I wasn’t over you.” He laughed, looking a little embarrassed as Donghyuck felt a smile creep up on him. “I had a fat sob over _Lies_ by Marina and the Diamonds. That’s how he found out.”

“Does that make me a homewrecker?”

Mark laughed, tightening his grip on Donghyuck’s shoulders and kissing his forehead. “Marina would be proud of you.”

Lucas was hostile towards Donghyuck for a while, which Donghyuck respected. He’d ruined his relationship without even trying, and as well as that he’d hurt Lucas’ best friend. It wasn’t anything too bad – Lucas simply bristled whenever Donghyuck came around to their flat. His boyfriend, Chan, would wrap his arms around Lucas’ middle and kiss his shoulder blade, coaxing him. He did eventually warm to Donghyuck, and once he did he made Donghyuck laugh so hard his sides hurt.

As for Mark, Donghyuck basked in his presence every morning that they woke up together. They didn’t spend every night together; they had course work that they had to complete and it was impossible sharing a single bed so often. But during the day, Donghyuck would spread out his papers on Mark’s bedroom floor and make himself comfortable. Mark would sit up at his desk, tapping away at his computer while they spent the time mostly in silence. It was so easy, to just be with Mark like that, knowing that his feelings were reciprocated.

They didn’t love each other again at first. It took a while for them to completely let go of all the hurt they had been through. They agreed that neither of them meant what they said during their shouting match; it was all said in the heat of the moment, trying to get back at each other for hurting so bad. Mark knew that Donghyuck wasn’t conceited and Donghyuck knew that Mark wasn’t bad at communicating. They talked it out at length and between kisses, trying to resolve all the problems they’d caused for each other.

Renjun came back up to Auckland for his mid semester break, crying at the airport as Mark and Donghyuck picked him up together, hugging them both and scolding them for being so stupid. He sat in the middle of the back seat and leant forward on the centre console of Mark’s Volvo, watching as Donghyuck rested his hand on Mark’s thigh.

“So are you two officially dating yet, or just seeing how things are?”

Donghyuck looked over at Mark, who took one hand off the steering wheel to hold Donghyuck’s hand in his lap. “Seeing how things go.”

Mark hummed agreement. “It’s only a matter of time though, isn’t it?”

Renjun frowned. “Matter of time until what?”

Mark squeezed Donghyuck’s fingers. “Till it’s official.”

The words made Donghyuck’s heart swell and he leant over to press a kiss to Mark’s cheek. Mark shrugged him off, complaining that he was driving, but Donghyuck could hear the smile in his voice.

They met up with Jeno and Jaemin, and Donghyuck was so happy that he felt light headed. It almost felt like the previous year had never happened as he was reunited with all his friends, going out for drinks at a place where Mark knew the bartender and got them discounts. There were times when Donghyuck lost sight of Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin as they disappeared to get more drinks, but Mark stayed attached to his back, arms around Donghyuck’s middle as they swayed.

It wasn’t until the long break between semesters, when the two of them decided to stay at the halls so they could spend more time together. They alternated between Donghyuck’s flat, which he had to himself as his flatmates had all gone home for the break, and Mark’s, which was only he and Lucas. Sometimes they went out for dinner with Lucas and Chan, other times they got takeaways and ate them in bed while watching movies together. It was one of those nights, takeaway wrappers discarded on Donghyuck’s desk and their clothes littered on the floor. Donghyuck was lying on top of Mark, ear pressed to Mark’s bare chest. Just as he was about to ask Mark why his heart was beating so hard, Mark whispered into the darkness around them.

“Hyuck?”

“Mm?” Donghyuck lifted his head so that his chin was resting on Mark’s chest.

Mark smiled down at him, threading his fingers through Donghyuck’s hair. “What are we?”

Donghyuck grinned, feeling giddy as a laugh bubbled out of his chest. “I think we’re in love, Minhyung.”

Mark pulled Donghyuck up his body so their lips could meet. “Ding ding ding.”

Donghyuck shook his head, trying to kiss Mark through his smile. “I hate you so much.”

“Hmm, you love it though,” Mark said, then slipped his tongue into Donghyuck’s mouth.

Mark fell asleep before Donghyuck, as he often did. Donghyuck watched Mark’s face as his breathing deepened into a soft snore. It was amazing, to look at the boy next to him and know that he was Donghyuck’s. That against all odds, they still came back together, like twin stars orbiting each other. That despite all the hurt and all the distance, Mark still loved Donghyuck, and Donghyuck still loved Mark. He craned his neck, pressing a light kiss to Mark’s lips before turning over in his arms, rubbing his cheek against Mark’s bicep before succumbing to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaa she's finished !!!! thank you so much to everyone who stuck with this, i'm sorry that i went on such a long break for a moment there. if you want to yell at me in the comments feel free to do so, or you can contact me on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/soonsqyu) or [twitter](http://twitter.com/jonnoseo)  
> i'm so so glad that so many people enjoyed this, it was sort of therapeutic for me to be able to work through a lot of ... unresolved feelings from this time in my life and the fact that so many people liked the content and were moved by it is so so meaningful to me so thank you to everyone who left a kudos or a comment, it means the world to me  
> there will be a lumark sequel !! if any of you are interested in how that whole mess plays out, there are a solid few spoilers in this chapter and the one before lmao but there's also a lot that isn't mentioned, including mark's friendship with yeri and tzuyu hehe   
> ANYWAY this is basically a very long winded way of saying thank you to everyone who read hehe love yall !!!


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